Dougie's Three Girlfriends

Feb 09, 2013

RAY: Long, long ago when he was just a lad, our producer, Dougie Berman, had three girlfriends, and he would juggle them, so to speak. On Monday he would visit one, on Tuesday another, on Wednesday, the third one, and then he would repeat the process. On Thursday he would visit number one, number two, etc. etc.

And each time he would make one of these visits, he would drive his car, but before he could drive the car, because it was a junker, he had to go through a little ritual. He would open the hood, and he would have to top off the coolant because the car leaked. He had to top off the power steering fluid, because that leaked, too. He had to fill up the oil because he was burning oil like crazy. He blew smoke out of the tail pipe, too!

So, Dougie closes the hood, drives to girlfriend number one's house, and follows the same procedure every time he pulls into the driveway, and then he drives as far into the woods as he can-- so the other girlfriends won't see his jalopy.

He does this for girlfriend number one, and then on Tuesday for girlfriend number two, and on Wednesday girlfriend number three, but when he pulls into girlfriend number three's driveway, an interesting thing happens. Fire erupts under the hood! The car bursts into flames.

At which point, he jumps out of the car, removes his pants, and beats out the flames.

Then when the fire has finally subsided, he stashes the car, goes to her house, and tries to explain to her parents why he is coming to meet her with no pants on. So this goes on and on, girlfriend number one, no problem, number two, no problem. But every time he visits girlfriend number three, it's the same problem. The car catches fire under the hood. He can't explain it. He takes this as an omen.

He dumps the other two girlfriends, and keeps girlfriend number three, because any girl that can set his pants on fire has got to be worth sticking around with.

So what is it about his visit to girlfriend number three, knowing what you know, and only what you know that causes this conflagration under the hood and then ultimately in his pants?
RAY: Here’s how you solve it. I mentioned early in the story that he added coolant; he was leaking coolant. He was adding oil, but he's burning oil.

TOM: The coolant is not going to extinguish the flame.

RAY: He adds power steering fluid.

RAY: When he pulls into the driveway of girlfriend number three, he has to make a very sharp turn. He has a leak in the high pressure power steering hose... And when this wheel is cut all the way, the increased pressure of the system squirts it out onto the hot exhaust manifold, and that small amount of fluid burst into flames.

And we know the rest of the story.

He takes his pants off, and it was only because she had a driveway that had a much sharper turn than the other two.

TOM: And that's how Sip became Mrs. Doug Berman. Wow.

RAY: Do we have a winner?

TOM: The winner this week is Ed Klopton from Iowa City, Iowa. Congratulations, Ed!

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