Bride of Crusty

Mar 07, 1998

RAY: Well, here it is. I'll try to make it brief because it... I think it has the potential to be rather lengthy.

TOM: Oh, OK. So, get right into it.

RAY: Long, long ago.

TOM: Don't let anything stop you.

RAY: No, I won't.

TOM: I mean don't be interrupted.

RAY: No, I won't.

TOM: Just get into it and just go right to the end without stopping.

RAY: I will. Long, long ago.

TOM: Just tell us what the question --

RAY: Long, long ago in a galaxy far away, a Ford Galaxy that is. Our pal, Crusty, was driving to what was to be his wedding ceremony. Up in the wilds of Maine. He's driving along this lonely, unimproved as they call it, country road.

TOM: Got it.

RAY: Euphemism for dirt and pot holes.

TOM: Yeah.

RAY: And while driving along, he drifts into a state of euphoria. Euphoria is right on the border of Maine, right between Maine and New Hampshire.

TOM: An inclined village.

RAY: He drifts into this state of euphoria, thinking about the marital bliss that awaits him. At least the two weeks.

TOM: He was terrified in other words.

RAY: At least the two weeks until she figures out he doesn't bathe. So, there he is, he's driving along and he's daydreaming and in this state of euphoria, and he hits a rock in the road. A big rock. It tears open his gas tank.

TOM: Oh.

RAY: Huge gash. He gets out of the car. Runs to the back and says, "Oh Fudge!" And he realizes that the gasoline is pouring out at such a rate that he's never going to make it to the wedding and he knows that if he doesn't make it, she's not going to hang around because he's what?

TOM: No. Yeah.

RAY: A loser. And he doesn't know how he hooked her in the first place. So, if he doesn't get there on time, he's done for.

TOM: She's going to have that extra two minutes to think about it and she's out of there.

RAY: She's out of there. Exactly. So, he opens the trunk to figure out some way to get himself out of this problem and he starts pulling out... He's got like another transmission in there, a starter, motor. A raccoon coat with the raccoon still in it. And there's nothing. His tool kit. And he races, stares and he looks down again and he sees the gas pouring out and he realizes that in five minutes he's going to be done for. Absolutely done for.

TOM: Yeah.

RAY: He runs to the front of the car, throws open the hood and with a few tools in his hand, in a few minutes, maybe even less, maybe a minute, he yanks something out from under the hood. A minute later, he's driving away and makes it to the wedding on time. Now, he didn't yank out the fuel pump nor did he yank out the carburetor. Those are two hints, but he yanked out something. Evidently, used, maybe used this. I don't need to give any further hints, do I?

TOM: No. No. No. You don't have to give... Suffice it to say, he opens the hood, he yanks out something --

RAY: He removes a part --

TOM: And a few minutes later he's on his way --

RAY: A few minutes later. He closes the hood.

TOM: Yeah.

RAY: And drives away and makes it to the church.

TOM: Well, that's a big hint. He does not go back to the gas tank.

RAY: I didn't say that.

TOM: You said, "He closes the hood."

RAY: No, he yanks something out from under the hood --

TOM: Yeah.

RAY: And in a few minutes time --

TOM: Yeah.

RAY: Let me tell you what he did with that few minutes.

TOM: OK. That's what I wanted to know.

RAY: In a few minutes time, he's closed the hood. Closed the hood --

TOM: Yeah.

RAY: And he drives away and makes it to the wedding on time.

TOM: Therefore, today there is a Mrs. Crusty and there wouldn't have otherwise --

RAY: No. It only lasted two weeks. Now, if you think you know what Crusty did -

TOM: Yeah.

RAY: And it worked, I might add beautifully.

TOM: Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. Yeah. I love it.


TOM: I have to say that I have no idea what the answer to this is.

RAY: No?

TOM: I have no idea.

RAY: Well, I think you might hate it. He removes the windshield washer bottle, pours out the washer fluid -- glug, glug, glug. Fills up the washer bottle with gasoline.

TOM: Oh.

RAY: Puts the washer bottle back where he took it out from, hooks the hose from it not to the spritzers, but to the carburetor and he gets to his wedding by hitting the little button on the dashboard. So, instead of using his fuel pump to fill up the carburetor with gasoline, he goes bzeep, bzeep. And the car begins to run all right and we notice that he's starting to stumble and losing power. He gives another little squirt.

TOM: Aw. I do like it actually. I was confused by the fact that I thought from your description of the situation --

RAY: That he removes something and left it.

TOM: He removes something --

RAY: I had to lie.

TOM: Closed the hood --

RAY: I couldn't --

TOM: Got in the car and drove away.

RAY: I couldn't tell the truth because it would have been too easy.

TOM: And I didn't understand how he could have done this in a minute.

RAY: That's why it was what?

TOM: A puzzler.

RAY: A puzzler. I mean I could have made it easier say he removed something, he re-installed, he took the hose that had previously been connected to it --

TOM: Well, I mean --

RAY: And connected it to something else.

TOM: If you had said --

RAY: And I --

TOM: If you had said five minutes, I might have thought in a completely different way.

RAY: Well, it really took a minute.

TOM: Bull feathers.

RAY: All right.

TOM: All right, twenty.

RAY: Twenty-five minutes.

TOM: But it's very good. I like it. I like it.

RAY: And of course it's applicable because his Galaxy had a carburetor. If he had a fuel-injected car like we all have now except for --

TOM: Not all of us.

RAY: Tommy.

TOM: Yeah.

RAY: Do you even have a carburetor?

TOM: Not really.

RAY: All right. Anyway, who is going to win our fabulous prize this week?

TOM: I have no idea, but I can tell you who is getting our crummy tenth anniversary T-shirt. The winner this week is Tyrone Herman from Burlington, Illinois.

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