You Know It's Time to Diet When...

You dance and it makes the band skip.

You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

You ask your partner if an outfit makes your butt look big, and he says, "You mean your haunches?"

School kids ask you to stand in front of the sun, so they can experience a full eclipse.

Seismologists monitor your movements from their labs.

Small pebbles get sucked into your orbit - then burn up.

You see the toilet quake in fear when you get near.

Al Roker turns and high-tails it outta there when he sees you.

You go for a dip in the ocean, and Miami goes under water.

The UN Secretary General offers you honorary statehood.

Your kid asks if you can play the part of a gigantic tub of lard in his school's upcoming dramatic production.

The Navy paints a dead senator's name on your flank, and tries to land planes on your gut.

Your local butcher talks about your flank, tips and brisket.

Your neighborhood grocery store offers to send you a limo.

You notice people decide to follow you up on the next elevator.

On a Caribbean cruise, the captain orders you to stay in the center of the ship.

The left side of your car seems to bottom out a lot.

Your street always seem to have more potholes than other streets.