Note: Since Tommy read this on the air, lots of folks have e mailed us, saying that the original source was probably comedian Steven Wright. Hey, how were we to know? This is e-mail, not the blasted Library of Congress.
Anyway, we'd like you all to repeat after us: "Thanks, Steven, if it was you who wrote this. You sure are one demented and twisted guy."
Steven Wright (except where noted)
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted." There was another sign below it that said "self service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.
I got a dog and named him "Stay." Now, I go "Come here, Stay!" After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
I spilled spot remover on my dog...now he's gone.
I have a map of the United States, life size. One mile equals one mile. It's a ***** to fold it.
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier...I thought I'd put them in the same room and letthem fight it out.
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said, they were behind the couch. She was right.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychologyexperiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that'spart of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...the other night I relaxed in front of the fire for the evening in ten minutes.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around incircles.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. Butleave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.