The Holiday Diet (ca. 1997)

Dear Tom and Ray,

With the arrival of the holiday season, many of us are concerned about overeating and the resulting effect on our health. There is no need to fret any longer. The fact is, overindulging in food consumption is good for you. Here's why:

Reduced stress. By constantly striving to maintain a lean figure and worrying about "looking good," people put undue stress on themselves. Relax. Stop feeling guilty. Let's face it--you don't look that good anyway, so a few extra pounds aren't going to matter.

Cancer prevention. Every week, it seems, the doctors make some new announcement about a particular food having cancer-preventive properties. One week it's oat bran, the next it's broccoli, then it's red wine. And it's unclear how much one needs to consume to obtain the desired cancer protection. Therefore, the best way to ensure that you've got all the cancer-fighting ingredients you need is to eat plenty of everything in hearty portions. Until the medical community finally settles on what the real cancer-preventing foods are, the best bet is to cover all the bases.

Antibacterial and antiviral. Very simply, by stuffing yourself full of food, there isn't any room left for germs. Thus, portly people can wander around in a waiting room full of flu patients with nary a care.

So, this year, forget about limiting your calorie intake. Be healthy. Be fat.

Best regards,

Ed Drewitz
East Northport, NY