Great Quotes from Steven Wright

From: Alden Adkins

"What's another word for thesaurus?"

"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."

"I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast."

"I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time."

"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."

"I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said 'Cut it out!'"

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."

"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."

"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."

"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."

"Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

"I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

"Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He goes: 'Not in a row!'"

"Even snakes are afraid of snakes."

"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work."

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"