God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
Adapted from "God Wants to Know," copyright (c) 1993 B.C. Brown, http://www.espressopress.com/
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
| 1. How did you find out about your Deity? | |
| ___ | Newspaper |
| ___ | Bible |
| ___ | Torah |
| ___ | Book of Mormon |
| ___ | Koran |
| ___ | Divine inspiration |
| ___ | Dead Sea Scrolls |
| ___ | My mama done tol' me |
| ___ | Near-death experience |
| ___ | Near-life experience |
| ___ | National Public Radio |
| ___ | Tabloid |
| ___ | Burning shrubbery |
| ___ | Other (specify): _____________ |
| 2. Which model Deity did you acquire? | |
| ___ | Yahweh |
| ___ | Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] |
| ___ | Jehovah |
| ___ | Jesus |
| ___ | Krishna |
| ___ | Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] |
| ___ | Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] |
| ___ | Allah |
| ___ | Satan |
| ___ | Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature |
| ___ | God 1.0a (hairy thunderer) |
| ___ | God 1.0b (cosmic muffin) |
| ___ | None of the above; I was taken in by a false god |
| 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? | |
| ___ | Yes |
| ___ | No |
| If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: | |
| ___ | Not eternal |
| ___ | Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos |
| ___ | Not omniscient |
| ___ | Not omnipotent |
| ___ | Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations) |
| ___ | Permits sex outside of marriage |
| ___ | Prohibits sex outside of marriage |
| ___ | Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms) |
| ___ | Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people |
| ___ | When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched |
| ___ | Requires burnt offerings |
| ___ | Requires virgin sacrifices |
| ___ | Plays dice with the universe |
| 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? Please check all that apply. | |
| ___ | Indoctrinated by parents |
| ___ | Needed a reason to live |
| ___ | Indoctrinated by society |
| ___ | Needed focus in whom to despise |
| ___ | Imaginary friend grew up |
| ___ | Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense |
| ___ | Graduated from the tooth fairy |
| ___ | Hate to think for myself |
| ___ | Wanted to meet girls/boys |
| ___ | Fear of death |
| ___ | Wanted to piss off parents |
| ___ | Needed a day away from work |
| ___ | Desperate need for certainty |
| ___ | Like organ music |
| ___ | Need to feel morally superior |
| ___ | Thought Jerry Falwell was cool |
| ___ | My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it |
| 5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. | |
| ___ | Mick Jagger |
| ___ | Rajanish |
| ___ | Baal |
| ___ | The almighty dollar |
| ___ | Bill Gates |
| ___ | Left-wing liberalism |
| ___ | The radical right |
| ___ | Ra |
| ___ | Beelzebub |
| ___ | Barney T.B.P.D. |
| ___ | The Great Spirit |
| ___ | The Great Pumpkin |
| ___ | The sun |
| ___ | Elvis |
| ___ | Cindy Crawford |
| ___ | The moon |
| ___ | TV news |
| ___ | Burning shrubbery |
| ___ | Other: ________________ |
| 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. | ||
| __ Tarot | __ Lottery | __ Astrology |
| __ Television | __ Fortune cookies | __ Ann Landers |
| __ Psychic Friends Network | __ Dianetics | __ Palmistry |
| __ Playboy and/or Playgirl | __ Self-help books | __ Sex, drugs, rock and roll |
| __ Biorhythms | __ Alcohol | __ Bill Clinton |
| __ Tea leaves | __ EST | __ CompuServe |
| __ Mantras | __ Jimmy Swaggert | __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle) |
| __ Human sacrifice | __ Pyramids | __ Wandering in a desert |
| __ Burning shrubbery | __ Barney T.B.P.D. | __ Barney Fife |
| Other:___________ | ||
7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
| Disasters: | ||||||
| flood | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | |
| famine | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | |
| earthquake | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | |
| war | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | |
| pestilence | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | |
| plague | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | |
| spam | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | |
| AOL | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | |
| Miracles: | ||||||
| rescues | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | |
| spontaneous remissions | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | |
| stars hovering over jerkwater towns | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | |
| crying statues | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | |
| water changing to wine | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | |
| walking on water | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | |
| VCRs that set their own clocks | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | |
| Saddam Hussein still alive | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | |
| getting any sex whatsoever | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | |
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by October 31 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power, depending on number of beings entered).