Actual Lines from Resumes

From: Jon Miltreaux

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

Please disregard the attached resume - it is terribly out of date.

Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.

Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco.

Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

I am a rabid typist.

Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.

I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.

Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.

Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.

Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine.

Referees available upon request.

Pursing a position requiring strong communication skills.

Work history: Bakery - proactively provided the products with the appropriate fillings, jellies and custards.

Previous rank: Senior instigator.

I have recently sold my home and I now live in a large RV so I will be able to relocate quickly.

Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.