Read on the air by Tommy
In case you've never seen or heard Steven Wright, the comedian, his method of delivery is very deadpan and in a monotone voice.
Just imagine him saying these things with absolutely no expression.
Steven Wright (except where noted)
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
I got a dog and named him "Stay". Now, I go, "Come here, Stay!. After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
I spilled spot remover on my dog...now he's gone.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.