Dear Tom and Ray:
My problem is my 1995 Chevy High-Top Conversion Van model G20. I am a fanatical sports fan. I never miss a football or baseball game. I also do a lot of RV-ing, so I spend a lot of time on the road. My RV van has a TV screen for the second and third row of passengers. In order to indulge both my sports and RV hobbies at the same time, I have set up a large mirror on the seat back of the second row so that it reflects the image on the TV. Then I adjust my rearview mirror so that I can see the TV image reflected on the large mirror behind me. This way, I never miss a touchdown play or game-winning home run while I am driving. My problem is that since the conversion from analog to digital TV, I can no longer enjoy the games. I have been unable to find a 12-volt digital converter for the TV. Can you help me?
RAY: I have a better idea, Art. Why don't you mount a TV right where the hood ornament belongs? Then you can watch the game and the road at the same time.
TOM: I wouldn't go any wider than 60 inches, though. Any bigger, and you'll really eat into your gas mileage.
RAY: We can't help you with this, Art. I mean, we can, but we won't.
TOM: The reason we won't is to keep you from killing yourself or some other innocent people on the road.
RAY: Unless that's part of the plan, Art. In which case, while you're doing time for vehicular homicide, you can watch all the games you want in the prison common room.
TOM: Of course, you'll have to fight off all those sex offenders who want to control the remote.
RAY: This is a bad idea, Art. When you're watching TV, you're not watching the road. And at 70 mph, you're traveling 100 feet per second! What happens when there's a 95-yard touchdown interception? You could run over six or eight Smart Cars.
TOM: Get yourself a Sirius XM satellite radio receiver for the van instead. They've got packages that provide live radio feeds for every baseball and football game. Listening while you drive is a lot safer than watching -- as long as you don't spike your Mountain Dew Slurpee into the windshield when your team scores.