Rant and Rave

Rant and Rave Folllow-up letters: Car Stereos

The Bass Seeking Missle

Christopher is completely correct. These mega-decibel sound systems have the same effect upon the auditory hair cells as Mount St. Helens had upon the surrounding trees. The resultant waveforms reflecting back and forth within the cranial cavity are probably slowly reducing the neurons and glial cells to primordial ooze, which probably in part explains the individual's self destructive behavior.

Legislation is only as good as enforcement. Many urban areas already have noise ordinances. Perhaps if we closed all the donut shops, as someone suggested, we might see them enforced.

Trish Archer

Legislate 'Em Out Of Existence

A solution to the annoyance of the mega stereo is at hand. The constant downsizing of not only government agencies and contractors, but commercial entities as well, provides us with the easy solution to this death by decibels.

We have someone in the US Armed Forces (you must know somebody in a HumVee pretty well) and have them express the dire urge to develop a new and extremely powerful weapon - the Bass Seeking Missile. The BSM will junt down all frequencies below, lets say, 50 megahertz and at decibel levels greater than 60. The source must also be determined to be moving. The weapons will be sold to the United States, who, in their infinite wisdom, will shortly determine that these weapons aren't all they were cracked up to be and will then offer them for public auction. The weapons will then be purchased by interested car-talk listeners, and anyone with better sense, to begin the fight against the annoyances being delivered from ugly cars with neon lights beneath them.

The local police forces will have first crack at the Bass Seeking Missiles (BSM's) as they are always first in line for the good stuff our National government tosses away. The can equip their cruisers (and loyal listeners can equip their poor ragged Volvos, VW's Chevys and such) with on board BSM's. Then, as we patrol the afternoons we can sneak up on these young men whilst they tinker in their mother's front yard on their auto's power stealing devices. They will not be expecting any offensive moves during the day, only at night when they are cruising the streets, thus allowing themselves to be caught unawares of the impending doom that awaits them.

The BSM's will be locked on target, launched as the poor sap tweaks an amplifier, twisted over the back lid of the trunk. The BSM will approach rapidly and noisily (to let humans out of its path) and suddenly come upon the head unit of the victim's stereo. The stereo will be instantly locked to the local public radio station. The amps will be instantly dissolved into little tiny pellets of metallic alloys, falling into holes where they will never be discovered, yet continue to make an annoying sound while driving. Speakers will stay in place, but have no useful function anymore, except to attract more bugs to fall into them and die while the car is locked in the midday heat.

The loud obnoxious foul low riding neon beast will be silenced and they will suffer eternal electrical problems from then on. With a few hundred missiles, a serious impact could be made on this threat to civility.

while I'm sure this plan has some bugs in it, like the fact that planes make big loud low pitched noises and so do some politicians (did I say bugs? what was I thinking) the sacrifice will be worth the loss. I humbly submit my plan to you, Click and Clack Tappet this day July 28th 1996.

-- Yacko