Lame Jokes

Doctors ... Lawyers

A doctor was addressing a large audience inLondon.

"The material we put into our stomachs isenough to have killed most of us sittinghere, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinesefood is loaded with MSG. High fat dietscan be disastrous, and none of us realizesthe long-term harm caused by the germs inour drinking water.However, there is one thing that is the mostdangerous of all which we all have eaten, orwill eat it.Can anyone here tell me what food it is thatcauses the most grief and suffering foryears after eating it just once?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front rowraised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding cake?"

Brian Purnell

A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"

The godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Teri Buhl

The local Mafia boss hired a deaf accountant, thinking the accountant wouldn't be able to overhear their more "delicate" discussions. One day, the boss realized that a sum of $10 million was missing and went to confront the accountant. Since the boss didn't know sign language, he took his attorney with him who did know sign language. The boss told the attorney to ask the accountant where he put the $10 million.

The attorney and accountant conversed in sign language and the attorney translated for the boss, telling him that the accountant didn't know what the boss was talking about. The boss took out a gun and aimed it at the accountant. He instructed the attorney to ask the accountant again. The conversation occurred in sign language between the attorney and the accountant. This time the accountant told the attorney that the money was under his cousin Lorenzo's patio. The boss asked the attorney what the accountant had said and the attorney reported, "He said you don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

Mary Anne Adams

A lawyer calls home to talk to his wife, and the maid answers the phone.

"Where's my wife?"

"She's upstairs in bed with another man."

"I'll pay you $100,000 and get you safely out of the country if you find my gun and kill them both. I'llstay on the line while you do it."

"Si, Senor."

He hears two shots, then thump, thump, thump,thump,splash, thump, thump, thump, thump, splash.

The maid comes back to the phone, "I did it."

"What did you do?"

"I killed them both, and dumped their bodies in the pool."

"What pool? Is this 555-3624?"

Roger Miars

Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the Pearly Gates for admission to heaven.

Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.

One doctor steps forward and says, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities."

Saint Peter says, "Enter."

The other doctor says, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people."

Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven.

The third applicant steps forward and says, "I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care."

Saint Peter tells him, "You can come in, too."

As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, "But you can only stay for 3 days."

Joe Kowalewski

A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. So, the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Cuban cigars.The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed. "If you do that, I guarantee you will lose the case!"

Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?" the partner asked.

"But I did send them," answered the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

Cristina, Andrew, and Chelsea Michta

A friend at work had an unusual dental related problem recently. About a month ago he had to have a small steel plate inserted in his mouth. A week later he noticed the plate was starting to rust. The dentist asked him if he had a change in his eating or drinking habits that may have caused the problem. My friend explained that he had tried hollandaise sauce for the first time recently and liked it so much he put it on everything. The dentist advised that the solution was to remove the steel plate and replace it with a chrome plate. When my friend asked why chrome the dentist replied, "There is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

Karen in Williamsville, New York

A man had some medical tests, and went to his doctor on a follow-up visit.The doctor said, "Well sir, I have some good news, and some bad news. Which do you want first?"

The man says, "Give me the good news."

The doctor says, "You have 3 days to live."

The man cries, "Oh my God! That's the GOOD news? What's the bad news?"

The doctor says, "Well...I got the test results two days ago!"

Nancy Michaelsen

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I cannot believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

Sharon Shirley

The Cohens were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Cohen made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Cohen turned to his wife Becky. "Show him, honey."

Barbra Galletti

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

David Levinthal

A big wheel New York corporate lawyer decides to go duck hunting in the deep South.

He arrives, sets up, and almost immediately up comes some ducks and wonder of wonders, he shoots and hits one. It falls on the other side of a fence, marked, "No Trespassing." "Hey," he figures, "Bigdeal, what're some hayside farmers gonna do to a big shot like me?"So he climbs over the fence and goes for the duck. A voice calls outhe looks up and sees an old geezer on an even older tractor.

"What 'ya doin', boy?"

"Getting my duck," says the lawyer.

"No yer not, that there's my duckit landed on my propitysoes its mine."

"Listen old man, you know who you're dealing with? I'm one of the biggest, baddest attorneys you ever sawI'll sue you and take everything you own."

"Tell 'ya what, Sonny. Let's take it to our little way of settlin' legal matters around these here parts, let's do it the 'Three Kick' rule."

"What's that, old man?"

"It's simple, I start by kickin' you three times, then it be your turn to kick me three times, last one standing wins."

Hmmm, thinks the lawyer, this is an old man. He couldn't kick too hard and I'll kick him so hard he'll never remember his own nameteach him a lesson he'll never forgetso why not?

"OK," says the lawyer, "give it your best shot."

The old farmer slowly climbs down from his tractor, takes aim, and swiftly kicks the lawyer right between the legscausing him to fall to his knees, then the farmer walks around and kicks him in the kidneys. The lawyer falls over and the farmer walks around again and kicks him in the head.

Slowly the lawyer gets to his feet, groaning, but mad as hell and ready to get even. But he sees the farmer sitting back on the tractor and calls out,

"Hey, old man, what about my turn?"

"Ah, that's okay young fellow, you go ahead and take the duck, I don't want it after all."

Dan Harris

A psychiatrist is doing his rounds with a couple of students. They look in on one patient, and the psychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose-stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?"

The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple-personality disorder?"

The second student says, "No, surely he just doesn't know whether he'sCarmen or Goering."

Steve Parrish