[This is from our old friends at "The Onion."]
Congress Passes "Americans With No Abilities" Act
By UPS Staff Writer
WASHINGTON, DC (UPS)--On Tuesday, Congress approved the "Americans With NoAbilities" Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits andprotection for more than 135 million talentless Americans.
The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after itspassage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions uponmillions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--donot possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role forthemselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. "Theirlives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-endbusywork: xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-inrebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucraticforms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabledAmericans, the American dream of working hard and moving up throughthe ranks is simply not a reality."
Under the "Americans With No Abilities" Act, more than 25 millionimportant-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in thewhite-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with anillusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory performance-basedraises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upwardmobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceableemployees.
The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hirenonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire onenongermane worker for every two talented hirees.
Finally, the "Americans With No Abilities" Act also contains tough newmeasures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banningprospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as,"What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have anyspecial skills that would make you an asset to this company?"
"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up withco-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz,who lost her position as a nonessential filing clerk at a Minneapolistile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills."This new law should really help people like me."
With the passage of the "Americans With No Abilities" Act, Gertz andmillions of other untalented, nonessential citizens can finally see alight at the end of the tunnel.
Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings,to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or herlack of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this greatnation."