Literary Rewrites: The Car Talk Treatment

Staff Blog

Staff Blog | Jan 03, 2020

Every now and then your humble Web Lackeys like to prove that we've read something more polemical than the Car Talk Hate Mail, more lyrical than the Peugeot 403 owner's manual, and more nuanced than the "jobs offered" section of Our Fair City's weekly paper. To that end, a while back, we rewrote a few of our favorite opening lines from literature, posted and invited you, our very clever and amusing fans, to add to it.

Then we forgot all about it. We just rediscovered it today and boy were we tickled! We added in a few more of your brilliant submissions, and are publishing it again, for your amuseument:

  1. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single mechanic in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a boat.

  2. Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the Volvo herself.

  3. All Ray could mumble, after trying to remove the back head on the F150, was “the horror, the horror.” 

  4. Call me Fishtail.

  5. It was the best of timing belts, it was the worst of timing belts. 

  6. Miata, light of my life, fire of my loins. 

  7. Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a fully rebuilt transaxle with optional torque converter, on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed.

  8. All Camry-owner families are alike; every VW-owner family is unhappy in its own ways. 

  9. A screaming comes across the Skylark.

  10. I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the Citroen Service Manual at dawn, looking for an angry fix, angrily. 

  11. Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to find himself transformed in his bed into a giant Volkswagen beetle. 

  12. There is no doubt that the DeLorean was dead. This must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story I am going to relate. 

  13. It was a pleasure to burn oil.

  14. What is the sound of one valve tapping?

  15. Of all the things that drive men to sea, the most common disaster, I've come to learn, is Apple Maps.

  16. There are certain strange times in a man's life when he perceives his shop manual as one vast practical joke, the wit whereof he can but dimly discern.

Thanks to Samuel Ladnier, Michael Gerald McDonald, Jessi Ramsey Golden, Lucien Jacquet, Kevin O'Hern, Christopher C. Esker and Peter J. Smith for numbers 6, 10, 11, 12, 14, 15, and 16 respectively.

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