By Amelia Daalgard
Americans often get caught up in all things European. Belgian chocolate, French wine, Italian leather—items representing a level of luxury and sophistication that we Americans seem to inherently lack. But we also tend to forget that European countries lack things that make this country great, like the blues, cheap beer, and orthodonists.
Nowhere is this more pronounced than when it comes to cars. Get off the airplane in London or Berlin and you may expect to be greeted by a Mercedes motorcade… but are surprised to find a parade of unfortunate Peugeots. So, in the spirit of remembering that the grass is always greener, we present…
10 Euro Cars We’ll Never Miss
10. The Fiat Multipla
We can think of multipla reasons why this thing is a dog. Did the lead designer have tumors on his mind when designing? The Multipla is the Pontiac Aztek of Italy.
9. The Ford Ka
It looks like Ford is trying to release a modern Pinto. Think they’d try that trick at home? Then, there’s the name. Did some consonants fall off? Was Ford trying to add to the Periodic Table? Forgettaboutit!
8. Citroen Picasso
What could be more insulting to the world’s most macho man than naming a compact car after him? Citroen, what would you do to Hemingway? A pink scooter?
7. Toyota Aygo
Who knew Toyota had a Jewish grandmother? “Ay Go” is what she screams to shoo this bug-eyed beast out of her driveway. Stay tuned for next year's model, the “Oy Vey.” (One of Aygo's standard features? Asking you at every intersection, "Are you eating enough? You look so... unhealthy!")
6. Hyundai Atos Prime
Tall and narrow may make sense with Europe’s ancient, narrow roads and not-morbidly-obese drivers, but here in the U.S. we save that kind of ugly for our EVs.
5. Alfa Romeo 155
It’s hard to imagine that this car used to dominate the touring car racing scene. Luckily, its ugly mug was covered by logos at the time. It looks like someone put a plumber in a v-neck dress.
4. Fiat Cinquecento
Already the butt of many European jokes, we hate to pile on the poor old Cinquecento (500). Okay, no we don’t. This lovely yellow model is the “S,” which packs a whopping 53 horsepower. That’s marginally more than many powered skate boards.
3. Nissan Micra
Ugly? Absolutely. But the Micra’s real sin is who sits behind the seat. In America, we have Prius drivers. In Europe, they have Micra drivers. ‘Nuff said.
Looks like a Land Rover, right? Don’t get your hopes up. It’s 100 percent Suzuki, so while it might seem like a Defender, it’s really just a Samurai. It’s like going to a Santana concert and finding out that Rick Astley is filling in.
And the #1 least desirable European car on the road these days is...
The Citroen Cactus.
We’d rather park our derrieres on an actual heap of agave than be forced to drive this monstrosity. Sure, it’s a sporty wagon and probably even comes in a diesel. But those “air bumps” on the side! They’re not gonna get you any fist bumps here at home.
Editor's note: An earlier version of this post erroneously labeled the Ford Ka as a "Fa"." The editors deeply regret not picking up their new eyeglass prescriptions in a timely manner.