Mais Non: Top Ten Euro Vehicles You Can Keep Overseas

Guest Bloggers

Guest Bloggers | Mar 18, 2015

By Amelia Daalgard
Motorhead Mama

Americans often get caught up in all things European. Belgian chocolate, French wine, Italian leather—items representing a level of luxury and sophistication that we Americans seem to inherently lack. But we also tend to forget that European countries lack things that make this country great, like the blues, cheap beer, and orthodonists.

Nowhere is this more pronounced than when it comes to cars. Get off the airplane in London or Berlin and you may expect to be greeted by a Mercedes motorcade…  but are surprised to find a parade of unfortunate Peugeots. So, in the spirit of remembering that the grass is always greener, we present…

10 Euro Cars We’ll Never Miss

10. The Fiat Multipla

And from the fashion capital of the world, no less. Shame on you, Fiat. (Motorhead Mama)

We can think of multipla reasons why this thing is a dog. Did the lead designer have tumors on his mind when designing? The Multipla is the Pontiac Aztek of Italy.

9.  The Ford Ka

 (Motorhead Mama)

It looks like Ford is trying to release a modern Pinto.  Think they’d try that trick at home? Then, there’s the name. Did some consonants fall off? Was Ford trying to add to the Periodic Table? Forgettaboutit!

8. Citroen Picasso

Not super-masculine, but if you squint you can see the cubist influence. (Josh Mortensen)

What could be more insulting to the world’s most macho man than naming a compact car after him? Citroen, what would you do to Hemingway? A pink scooter?

7. Toyota Aygo

"Ay! Go! Shoo, get away!" (Motorhead Mama)

Who knew Toyota had a Jewish grandmother?  “Ay Go” is what she screams to shoo this bug-eyed beast out of her driveway. Stay tuned for next year's model, the “Oy Vey.” (One of Aygo's standard features? Asking you at every intersection, "Are you eating enough? You look so... unhealthy!")

6. Hyundai Atos Prime

Featuring a rear-facing unibrow. (Motorhead Mama)

Tall and narrow may make sense with Europe’s ancient, narrow roads and not-morbidly-obese drivers, but here in the U.S. we save that kind of ugly for our EVs.

5. Alfa Romeo 155

The long forehead and small snout remind is it's what's on the inside that counts. (Motorhead Mama)

It’s hard to imagine that this car used to dominate the touring car racing scene. Luckily, its ugly mug was covered by logos at the time. It looks like someone put a plumber in a v-neck dress.

4. Fiat Cinquecento

Unfortunately, 53 horsepower is not enough to outrun the color. (Motorhead Mama)

Already the butt of many European jokes, we hate to pile on the poor old Cinquecento (500). Okay, no we don’t. This lovely yellow model is the “S,” which packs a whopping 53 horsepower. That’s marginally more than many powered skate boards.

3. Nissan Micra

Like the Prius, the Micra emits dangerous clouds of smug. (Motorhead Mama)

Ugly? Absolutely. But the Micra’s real sin is who sits behind the seat. In America, we have Prius drivers. In Europe, they have Micra drivers. ‘Nuff said.

2. Santana

Classic Bait and Switch! (Motorhead Mama)

Looks like a Land Rover, right? Don’t get your hopes up. It’s 100 percent Suzuki, so while it might seem like a Defender, it’s really just a Samurai. It’s like going to a Santana concert and finding out that Rick Astley is filling in.

And the #1 least desirable European car on the road these days is...

The Citroen Cactus.

Like the spines on an actual cactus, these side protrusions signal that you should keep your distance. (Motorhead Mama)

We’d rather park our derrieres on an actual heap of agave than be forced to drive this monstrosity. Sure, it’s a sporty wagon and probably even comes in a diesel. But those “air bumps” on the side! They’re not gonna get you any fist bumps here at home.

Editor's note: An earlier version of this post erroneously labeled the Ford Ka as a "Fa"." The editors deeply regret not picking up their new eyeglass prescriptions in a timely manner.

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