Vintage Snowmobiles Designed to Kill You

Craig Fitzgerald

Craig Fitzgerald | Mar 14, 2017

Since the entire northeast is getting pounded with a blizzard, it's a good time to look at snowmobiles. Today, snowmobiles are high-tech, high performance machines designed to hurtle nuts and Canadians across frozen surfaces at triple digit speeds. In the early days, snowmobiles were machines designed with a solitary purpose: To kill the rider and/or passenger.

This guy lived in a pretty swank neighborhood to be running around in a contraption that he made out of his kid's bicycle and half the swing set.

There's very little information extant on this "vehicle," because the last time anyone heard of him, he was rocketing of toward the horizon shouting "I SHOULD'VE Added braaaaakees..."

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This image of a home-built snowmobile comes from 1910. The inventor was clearly not satisfied with the prospect of killing himself, so he brought along his wife and their two dogs for the inevitable massacre.

Judging by the look on her face, he was going to perish whether he crashed the snowmobile or not.

"Honest" Boris Andreyushkin built his snowmobiles in St. Petersburg, Russia using pop rivets, old skis and the corrugated siding from a tool shed.

Dutiful comrade rides in front. Party Chairman rides in enclosed rear cabin.

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No idea if this is a snowmobile, or some kind of a photon cannon for world domination.

We'll research it and get back to you.

This fully enclosed snowmobile utilizes fan power and the low-friction properties of Sears Best Latex house paint to glide across the tundra.

Guy in plaid with rifle: "HEY, ED DON'T STEP BACKW...aaawwwwww..."

Moving forward into the 1950s, take a gander at the Bolens Diablo Rouge. That's right: The Bolens "Red Devil."

Bolens' legal team rejected the names "Bolens Widowmaker," "Bolens Fractured Pelvis" and "Bolens Imminent Death".

Moving into the 1960s, we see an example of the solitary mission for every motorized conveyance ever created: Getting girls.

These ladies are such avid snowmobilists that they've arrived in July to make the first tracks across that lake as soon as it freezes over.

(File Under: Girls, Getting.) The Innovar Corporation "recognized the potential for an elegant, gentleman's snowmobile with side-by-side seating," according to Classic Driver.

What it didn't recognize was that fashionable mod chicks in short skirts and go-go boots don't hang around in Fairbanks, Alaska. Only 200 units were ever sold.

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