Dear Tom and Ray:

This is pretty good. Some new, some old, some your mom never told you.

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

You ever cut your grass and found a car.

You own a home that is mobile and five cars that aren't.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before tellingthe state trooper to kiss her ass.

You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

You've ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can takea bath."

You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my shipcame in."

You read the "Auto Trader" with a highlight pen.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from thegovernor to spare a loved one.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because ofher language.

Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's athome with the kids."

Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."

You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

You clean your fingernails with a stick.

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it looknice.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard ofyour car.

The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever bathed with flea-and-tick soap.

You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

You have every episode of "Hee-Haw" on tape.

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You're considered an expert on worm beds.

Your kids take a siphon hose to "show and tell."

The dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

You've ever bought a used cap.

Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

You picked your false teeth from a catalog.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

You've ever stolen toilet paper.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

You go to a stock-car race and don't need a program.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

Your pocketknife often doubles as a toothpick.

You own a denim leisure suit.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

Your family tree does not branch.

You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jugin the car.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You have a Hefty bag for a passenger-side window.

You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on yourarm.

You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge-clearance restrictions.

You've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of a message thatbegins, "For a good time call..."

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.

After the prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs withbeer bottles.

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

All of your four-letter words have two syllables.

You've ever been too drunk to fish.

You cut your toenails in front of company.

You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You have grease under your toenails.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

You've ever been fired from a construction job because of yourappearance.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.

Your father walks you to school because you and he are in the same grade.

Your house has wheels and your car doesn't.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak ofnature.

You think the French Riviera is foreign car.

Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

Your wife's hairdo has been caught in the ceiling fan at least once.

You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures weretaken.

You own a three-pound belt buckle.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

You have more than two relatives named Bubba or Junior.

You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toiletpaper.

David Levinthal

[ As Read on Car Talk ]