You know you're a loser when...

Your dad tells your new boyfriend, "Just remember, I don't mind going back to prison." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

When your wife shops for a new mattress, she takes the dog. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

The guard with the news about the governor's reprieve is carrying a menu. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Your doctor says, "Mr. Smith, we received the result of your recent IQ test . . . and I have brought along these finger puppets to help explain what it means." (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

Your first novel is reviewed in Landfill Finds Monthly. (John O'Byrne)

In order for the crossword to come out right, 14 Across has to be "Marie Antoinefte." (Marc Naimark, Paris)

The babysitter says, "You mean there were four of them?" (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

The loan officer won't let you keep the Bic pen with the bank's name on it. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

Your fortune cookie says, "Tip 30% for antidote." (Beth Baniszewski)