Dear Click and Clack:

Thought you two might enjoy this:

You know you're Italian when...

1) You're 5' 4", bench-press 325 pounds, and shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.

2) Your father owns five houses and has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Monte Carlo.

3) You share a bathroom with your five brothers and have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro or Firebird.

4) Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, and travel agent are all blood relatives.

5) You consider a cannoli dunked in espresso a nutritious breakfast.

6) Your two best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's brother-in-law.

9) At least five of your cousins live on your street.

10) All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather.

11) A high-school diploma and one year of Nassau Community College have earned you the title of "Professore" among your aunts.

12) You are on a first-name basis with at least eight banquet-hall owners.

13) If someone in your family grows taller than 5' 6", it is presumed his mother had an affair.

14) There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.

15) You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

16) At some point in your life, you were a D.J.

17) Thirty years after immigrating, your parents still say, "Pronto," when answering the phone.

18) If you have ever been in a fight defending Sly Stallone's thespian greatness.

19) Somewhere on your parents' property there is a bathtub Madonna.

20) You build your house with three materials: brick, brick and wrought iron.

21) You have at least one sister who went to beauty school.

22) Clothes from the Chess King actually fit you.

23) It is impossible for you to talk with your hands in your pockets.

24) You have been to a funeral where talk of the deceased is, "He shoulda kept his big yap shut."

Tom Proietti (Proy-Etty)