I got a big kick out of reading these. I figure the boys mightwant to use them on the show. Enjoy.

Since 1982 the English department at San Jose State Universityhas sponsored the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a whimsicalliterary competition that challenges entrants to compose theopening sentence to the worst of all possible novels. Here arethis year's winners.

10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever tobreak wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end ofit."

9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."

8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, atanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brownhair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes,perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straightnose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind ashe crept along the east wall: "Andre creep ... Andre creep ... Andre creep."

6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge ofnarcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alleysex change surgeon to become the woman he loved."

5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did notkeep her from eking out a living at a local pet store."

4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but thenpenguins often do."

3) "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottagecheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on thehotel floor."

2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't knowthe meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in theface of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moronwith suicidal tendencies."

AND THE WINNER IS ...

1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, creptalong the green sward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed throughthe castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand atthroat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated,sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude ofthe frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"

Paul Houston

[ As Read on Car Talk ]