Dear Tom and Ray,

I received this email the other day and thought it might helpyou in answering some of the "relationship" questions that youso often get. Here it goes!

Women's Key Words and Their Meanings

"Fine": This is the word we use at the end of any argument thatwe feel we are right about but at this point just want you to shut up. Never usefine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to haveone of those arguments.

"Five minutes": This is really half an hour. It is equivalent to the"five minutes" that your football game is going to last before youtake out the trash, so it's an even trade.

"Nothing": This means something and for that you should be on your toes.Nothing is usually used to describe the feeling that a woman has ofwanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.Nothing usually signifies the beginning of an argument that will last "fiveminutes" and end with the word "fine."

"Go ahead" (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One thatwill result in a woman getting upset over "nothing" and ultimately endwith the word "fine."

"Go ahead" (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up," or "Do whatyou want because I don't care." You will often find a raised eyebrow "go ahead,"several minutes later, followed then by "nothing"and "fine," and she will talk to you in about "five minutes" whenshe cools off.

Loud sigh: Though not actually a word, it is still averbal statement very often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh meansshe thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why sheis wasting her time standing here and arguing with youover "nothing."

Soft sigh: Again, not a word, but nevertheless a verbal statement. Softsighs are one of the few things that some men actuallyunderstand: She is content. Your best bet is to not move orbreath and she will stay content.

"Oh": This word followed by any statement means trouble.Example: "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him aboutwhat you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before astatement, RUNdo not walkto the nearest exit. She will tellyou that she is "fine," as she tosses your clothes outthe window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least twodays. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually suggests that youare caught in a lie. Do not try to lie any more to get out of it,or you will get the raised eyebrows "go ahead," followed by acts sounspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

"That's okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements thata woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants tothink long and hard before paying you retributions for whateverit is that you have done. "That's okay" is often used with theword "fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "goahead." Further alluding to some point in the near future, after she has plottedand planned, when you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

"Please do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A womanis giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse orreason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done.You have a fair chance by telling the truth, so be careful, and youmay not get a "That's okay."

"Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say, "You'rewelcome."

"Thanks a lot": This is much different from the meaning of "Thanks." A womanwill say, "Thanks a lot," when she is actually ticked off at you.It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, andwill be followed by the loud sigh. Be careful not to ask whatis wrong after the loud sigh because she will only tellyou "Nothing."

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings.

Maria Fili

[ As Read on Car Talk ]