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What can I do about my knucklehad neighbor?

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DEAR TOM AND RAY:
I LIVE IN A PLACE WHERE THE TEMPERATURE OCCASIONALLY DROPS BELOW FREEZING. MY PROBLEM IS MY NEIGHBOR, OWNER OF A FORD 4X4 WITH NON-STANDARD EXHAUST. HE HAS TO GO TO WORK AT 6:00 AM AND HUNTS DUCKS ON THE WEEKENDS IN THE WINTER (EARLY TO RISE). MY SCHEDULE IS TO WAKE UP AT 6:30 AM. AT ANY RATE, HE INSISTS ON FIRING UP HIS TRUCK BETWEEN 5:30 AND 5:45 TO WARM IT UP. IT OFTEN SITS RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW ON HIGH IDLE FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES BEFORE HE LEAVES. I AM UNABLE TO GO BACK TO SLEEP, MY ROOM SMELLS OF EXHAUST, AND HE WILL NOT LISTEN TO MY PLEAS TO STOP. I DO NOT BELIEVE IT IS NECESSARY TO WARM UP A CAR OR TRUCK IN THIS MANNER, AND THAT DRIVING SLOWLY FOR A FEW MILES WILL DO THE JOB. IT WOULD ALSO SAVE GAS, REDUCE AIR POLLUTION, AND LET ME AND MY FAMILY SLEEP. YOUR COMMENTS WILL BE APPRECIATED.
ROBERT

RAY: GEEZ, ROBERT, WE MAY BE ENCROACHING ON THE TURF OF DEAR ABBY OR MISS MANNERS BY GETTING INTO A NEIGHBORLY DISPUTE. BUT SINCE YOU ASKED, OUR OPINION IS THAT THIS GUY IS A REAL KNUCKLEHEAD.

TOM: YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, ROBERT. IT'S NOT NECESSARY TO WARM UP A CAR UNDER MOST CONDITIONS. IF YOUR NEIGHBOR JUST STARTED HIS TRUCK AND DROVE AWAY SLOWLY, HE'D SAVE GAS, REDUCE AIR POLLUTION, AND HAVE NEIGHBORS WHO DIDN'T WISH UPON HIM A RASH IN A PLACE HE COULDN'T SCRATCH.

RAY: BUT SINCE HE'S OBVIOUSLY TOO MUCH OF A JERK TO CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT OR HIS NEIGHBORS, PER?HAPS HE'LL RESPOND TO THE ARGUMENT THAT HE'S DOING MORE DAMAGE TO HIS CATALYTIC CONVERTER THAN HE CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE.

TOM: WHEN HE RUNS HIS TRUCK ON HIGH IDLE WITH THE CHOKE CLOSED, RAW, UNBURNED GAS POURS INTO THE CONVERTER. IF HE HASN'T RUINED IT AL?READY, HE'LL CERTAINLY RUIN IT SOON, AND THAT WILL COST HIM BIG BUCKS.

RAY: WHEN LOGIC DOESN'T WORK, ROBERT, YOU'LL HAVE TO RESORT TO PLAN B. SINCE THIS GUY IS AN EARLY RISER, WE'LL ASSUME HE GOES TO BED EARLY TOO. PLAN B CALLS FOR YOU TO BORROW AN OLD HARLEY DAVIDSON MOTORCYCLE, REMOVE THE MUFFLER, AND START TAKING MIDNIGHT RIDES. OF COURSE, YOU'LL HAVE TO WARM UP THE BIKE FOR A ABOUT 20 TO 30 MINUTES BEFORE EACH RIDE, AND THE BEST PLACE TO DO IT IS, OF COURSE, RIGHT UNDER THIS KNUCKLEHEAD'S WINDOW.

TOM: WHEN HE COMES OUT IN HIS BATHROBE SCREAMING AT YOU TO TURN THE BIKE OFF, OFFER TO SIT DOWN AND NEGOTIATE A PEACE TREATY. AT THAT POINT, YOU'LL BE NEGOTIATING FROM A POSITION OF STRENGTH.

RAY: OF COURSE, THIS PLAN COULD BACKFIRE. HE COULD BECOME EN?CHANTED WITH THE HARLEY, AND GO OUT AND GET ONE HIMSELF. IF THAT HAPPENS, GO RIGHT TO THE PHONE AND CALL THE REALTOR. NOT EVEN MISS MANNERS CAN HELP YOU THEN. YOUR ONLY HOPE IS TO GET REVENGE BY SELLING YOUR HOUSE TO A LOCAL COLLEGE FRATERNITY.
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