1. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

2. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

3. Love is grand. Divorce is several hundred grand.

4. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

5. An optimist thinks that this is the best of possible worlds. A pessimist fears that this is true.

6. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

7. I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it.

8. I am a nutritional overachiever.

9. I am having an out of money experience.

10. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

11. A day without sunshine is like night.

12. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

13. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

[ As Read on Car Talk ]