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Husbands & Wives
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be three to five inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street."
Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, OK."
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be two to four inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street."
Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, OK."
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be six to eight inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the ..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage."
Max Bowman
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him? " she asks.
"No, I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning, and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Don't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
The drunk replies, "Over here -- on the swing!"
Connie Tucker
"I just got back from a pleasure trip. I drove my mother-in-law to the airport."
Jeff Sawyer
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
Mike Butcher
A woman told her friend: "For eighteen years my husband and I were the happiest people in the world! Then we met.
Mike Micucci
A couple was preparing to head out to their fiftieth wedding anniversary celebration.
"You get your purse and coat, I'll pull the car out front and lock up the garage," says hubby, considerately.
When his bride comes out onto the front porch, she sees him leaning against the front fender of the car staring wistfully at the front of the house. She walks over to him.
"What are you looking at?" she asks.
"Oh, I was just looking at those bushes over there... Remembering."
"Remembering what?" she asks.
"Well, you remember the time your dad caught us in the bushes? He pulled me outta there by the scruff of the neck, threw me against the wall and said, 'Either you're gonna do the right thing and marry my daughter or you'll spend the next fifty years in jail!'" he answers.
"Yeah, I remember. What about it?"
"Well," he replies, "I was just thinkin', I'd be gettin' out about now."
M. B. Ingersoll
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,"How old was your husband?"
"99," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 97," the undertaker commented, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
Joe Vance
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me THE EXACT WORDS that were used to put the curse on you."
Without hesitation, the old man says, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
sleroux
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake?"
Prissy Lee
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
Jon Harris
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money and was a real miser.
He loved money more than anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
So he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
She said, "I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check".
Dave Wilson
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It clearly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!"
The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, It's worth a shot.
So he went to the house of the lady who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost-brand-new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "Can I take it for a test drive?"
"Sure," answered the lady.
Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.
When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture. Just sell my Porsche and send me the money.'"
Kris Moorman
A wife wakes up and sees her husband isn't in bed. She finds him in the kitchen crying over a cup of coffee.
"What's wrong?" the wife asks.
"Remember when you were only 16 and I was 18 and your dad caught us in the back seat of my car? He put a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or you'll go to jail for twenty years.'"
The wife says, "Of course I remember. But, why are you crying?"
"Today is the day I would have been let out of jail!"
Jeff Pease
