The local university lab has decided to lay off all of the lab rats. You would think that this was due to animal rights protesters complaining about their treatment, but the university found that it was easer to use attorneys. No one complains -- and there are just some things a rat will not do.

Mike Minogue

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan!

David Welsh

Two comedian ducks are sitting at a nightclub one night. One turns to the other and says "You quack me up."

Andrew Beaton

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that."

Barbara Summers:

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.

Bad, eh? We sure thought so. Fortunately, Mike also sent us this one"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Unfortunately, it wasn't any better. They were quite lame weren't they?

Mike Walters

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

Lane Cook

An insurance salesman wants to sell a farmer some insurance. He goes up to the door and rings the doorbell.

The farmer's wife answers, "Can I help you?"

"I want to sell your husband some insurance."

"He's in the back feeding the pigs."

So they walk around the house and, in the backyard, the farmer is holding a medium-sized pig in his arms. The pig is eating an apple off a tree.

The insurance salesman says, "Hi. I want to sell you some insurance, but first I have to ask you a question. Doesn't it take a long time to feed your pigs that way?"

The farmer looks at the salesman and says, "What's time to a pig?"

Barbra Galletti

A panda walks into a restaurant. He sits down and orders some food. The waiter brings the panda his meal. After he eats, when the waiter brings him the check, the panda takes out a gun and shoots him.

As the panda is leaving, the owner of the restaurant asks him, "Why did you shoot my waiter?" The panda replies, "I'm a panda. Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out.

The owner, now very confused, looks panda up in his dictionary. "Panda: A marsupial that lives in the mountains of China, eats shoots and leaves."

David Elkins

"My dog Minton ate two shuttlecocks yesterday."

"Bad Minton."

Steve Parrish