• Women should not have children after 35. Really ... 35 children are enough.
  • Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
  • After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
  • I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
  • No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
  • I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECK-OUT TIME IS 18.
  • If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbitson the highway?
  • How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
  • Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
  • On my first day of school, my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was ... surrounded by trees and bushes.
  • Marriage changes passion: suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
  • I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
  • The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in this world.
  • Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
  • Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
  • I live in my own little world, but it's OK -- they know me here.
  • I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with GUESS on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
  • I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
  • Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea ... "
  • Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
  • If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
  • I see your IQ test results were negative.
  • Regular naps prevent old age ... especially if you take them while driving.
  • I don't approve of political jokes; I've seen too many of them get elected.
  • I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.
  • If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
  • The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-invalue.
  • I have learned there is little difference in husbands -- you might as well keep the first.
  • If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, makeBloody Marys.
  • Travel is very educational: I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
  • Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Submitted by David Levinthal