Tom: "I have to start off by telling you a sad story. I went to pick up my son at the ritzy prep school where my destitute wife and I pour all of our dineros. So, of course, I figure I'll take the Jag to pick him up. The parking lot is full of Mercedes and Range Rovers and all those sorts of high falutin cars. As my son is getting into the car, one of his friends says, 'What is that?' My son says, 'It's a Jaguar!' And what does the kid say? He says, 'Oh. I thought it was a Buick.' The fact was that this Jaguar was mistaken for a Buick! Talk about failure! They took the classic Jaguar look and the Buick-ized it. Ouch."
Ray: "Some of my neighbors thought it was a Ford Probe. Of course, my neighbors are on Social Security and get Depends in bulk by mail order...but that is my fundamental problem with this car, too. It doesn't look that great. I mean, the lines of the Jaguar XJ-S were positively classic. This Jaguar looks like the guys who designed the Taurus designed this in their spare time. It looks awfully like a Ford Taurus."
Tom: "Which would make sense, after all, since Ford now owns Jaguar."
Ray: "Now, we should say that not everybody felt this way. A number of people thought this car was drop-dead gorgeous. And it certainly did attract a lot of attention wherever it went. So, maybe it's just not designed to appeal to people as old and fat as we are. Who knows?"
Tom: "Despite the fact that we personally didn't find the styling very appealing, there are a lot of very promising things about this new Jaguar. And that's the flip side of Ford's influence. For the first time ever, the ergonomics in a Jaguar are great. I remember several years ago, driving a Jaguar convertible in the rain, and as hard as I tried, I couldn't figure out how to use the front windshield defogger. I was trying every button and slider on the dashboard. Eventually, I gave up and wiped the thing with my sleeve! Can you imagine? A $70,000 car, and you're wiping off the inside of the windshield with your sleeve? But, that's the way Jaguars were, before Ford. Now, it's got a perfectly understandable, easy-to-use, effective ventilation system that even a moron like my brother can figure out."
Ray: "And that's true for the ergonomics in general. The electric window switches, light switches, wiper switches--all that stuff not only makes sense, but my guess is that it will work reliably...which is more than you could be sure of in a pre-Ford Jaguar. Although, I should add that this Jaguar had the most annoying turn-signal flasher noise I've heard since The Brady Bunch went off the air."
Tom: "With any luck, Ford will influence the reliability of this new V-8 engine, too. The engine is smooth and powerful. You always feel that you've got more than enough power left over to pass anything, at any speed. It seems as though you never need to press down more than about a quarter-inch on the gas pedal to go as fast as you ever want to go. And the car is heavy, so it has a great heavy, powerful feel. The only suggestion of roughness was the final shift into fifth gear. (The car comes with a five-speed automatic transmission.)"
Ray: "Gee, I don't agree. I found that it had a horrible lag when it was floored. I was terribly embarrassed one day when I put the pedal to the metal and got passed by a Chevy van! But, to Jaguar's credit, it is an extremely comfortable car on the highway. It's a pain in the butt to get in and out of--much more so than the car it replaced, the XJ-S. You have to kind of slither into it. The car was designed, first and foremost, to look good. So, the roof comes down very low in front and back. The result is that the back seat is useless and the visibility stinks. But, as one neighbor of mine said, 'Who cares? You don't buy a car like this to see out of...you buy a car like this for people to see *you* in.'"
Tom: "And once you're in, you are *definitely* in the lap of luxury. The car surrounds you and coddles you. It handles great! I drove it back from Connecticut in a blinding rainstorm, and it held the road beautifully."
Ray: "Speaking of that trip to Connecticut--that ashtray you were using for your cigars?"
Tom: "That wasn't an ashtray?"
Ray: "That was the coin tray, Frank. No kidding."
Tom: "Oh."
Ray: "My question for Jaguar is this: Who is this car supposed to be for? I ask this because, presumably, the Jaguar XJ-S was an old-fart car. I guess they're trying to reach out to a younger market, but the question is, what younger market has $65,000 to spend--except for drug dealers?"
Tom: "This car is too small for drug dealers. Drug dealers tend to go for BMWs with tinted windows, anyway. I suppose this car is aimed at the Lexus SC400 buyer. And, if this car were priced more like the SC400 (closer to $50,000), they'd probably sell more of these cars than they could make."
Ray: "Don't forget, the convertible comes in at $75,000! We'll test-drive that this summer and let you know what it's like. In fact, if our friends at Jaguar are reading this, my brother promises not to do any biking this summer."
Tom: "If possible, we'd like the convertible to arrive at the end of May. And one more thing--we'd like it to stay for three months."
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