1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

9. Help keep the kitchen clean—eat out.

10. Housework done properly can kill you.

11. Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

12. My next house will have no kitchen—just vending machines.

[ As Read on Car Talk ]