HOW TO SING THE BLUES

(attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray
with help from Uncle Plunky)

11. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line:

I got a good woman--
with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes. Sort of:

Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues’ cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues’ transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a
major part in the blues’ lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues’
adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a
man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or
Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression.
Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have
the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet b. beige c. mauve

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the
lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the blues:
a. the highway b. the jailhouse c. the empty bed

Bad places: a. Ashrams b. Gallery openings c. weekend in the
Hamptons

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you
happen to be an old black man.

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?

Yes, if: a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia b.
you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis. d. you can't be
satisfied.

No, if: a. you were once blind but now can see. b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.

Other blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water

Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's the blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues’ way to die.
So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment
in an emergency room. It is not a blues’ death, if you die during a
liposuction treatment.

16. Some blues’ names for women:
a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie

17A. Some blues’ names for Men

a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Lightning

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to
sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

17B. Other blues names (the starter kit):

a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name of president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
(Mix and Match)