Rant and Rave


Car stereos

My very first Rant and Rave (well, on paper at least)
by Christopher G. Adams


I have been building this particular rant and rave deep in the bowels of my being for some time now and at long last I have found the perfect venue for it! Since the topic of my rant has only marginally to do with automotive issues and since I am by no means an authority on the subject of this R&R it should fit right in.

Commence Rant!

Car stereos--those loud, obnoxious, sub-sonic booming, teeth- shattering monstrosities that prowl our streets--I wanna ban them from the face of the Earth!

I mean REALLY. Why do these people need such loud stereos? Because they are deaf, that's why. And why are they deaf? Because they listen to loud stereos, that's why. Its a vicious cycle, fer crying-out- loud. After these adolescent jerks blow their hearing with a constant 98 dB of shear noise they then go out and buy a bigger woofer and bigger amplifier and deafen themselves even more at 105 dB. And we, the nice, calm, quite standers-by are forced to listen to these morons crusing down the street half a mile away.

There is nothing quite like sitting down to listen to a nice Mozart string quartet and suddenly having the whole house shaken at 30 cycles by a sound pressure level that stuns small animals as some pea-brained, pimply-faced teenager with the intellectual capacity of a yogurt drives by blasting lousy music out of woofers that are big enough for Tommy to park his Dart in. This stuff sucks. I want to listen to Yo Yo Ma, not "Yo Mama."

This nonsense must be stopped.

The Constitution of this great nation gives everyone the right to express themselves. It does not give them the right, however, to act like slobbering slush-heads! These jerks ruin the peace and quite with their throbbing obscenities at all hours of the night. Enough!

Ever notice how you never see women driving cars with these audio torture devices? Extremis Decibelis Jerkis is a male-only species. Just like the neon pink mini-pickup trucks that ride one inch off the ground that house the offensive sound sources, these stereos are a desperate attempt by small men (in more ways that one) to compensate for their inadequacies.

Why should we have to suffer for these moron's sense of insecurity, their lack of basic manners and respect for the rights of others to enjoy a quiet evening?

We should NOT. No more, I say. No more. Its time to end the reign of horrors. It time to silence the werewoofers. I am calling for a nation wide ban on the manufacture, sale, installation and owning of car stereo equipment that is designed to be nothing more than produce a loud, obnoxious THUMP. Police cars should be equiped with dB meters and any offender should have the speakers, amps, CD players and all ripped out of their car. The offending electronics can then be melted down and recycled into useful things.

Please don't think that I'm saying we have to destroy ALL car stereo gear. No, just the obscene wacko stuff is all I am standing against. Decent, good sounding equipment designed for the enjoyment of music (or Car Talk) in one's vehicle is fine simply because it is inoffensive. Reasonable car audio equipment allows a person to listen to whatever they want, in their space, without bugging the beejesus out of every living soul in a five mile radius.

No more thundering, booming, rattling (oh, I love those- the special L- cheapo 4-door cars with mega-woofers in the trunk. They go "Boom- bzzzzzzzzzz as the truck lid vibrates and rattles. Morons. Too stupid to know that they are stupid.) No more. I am not the only one who hates these idiotic things. Do something. Do anything. Petition City Hall, write letters to the editor. Organize citizens' groups. Neighborhood Watch groups should get license plate numbers and turn them in to the police. We must all act now, in unison, to end this now.

Before the advent of the Atomic Sub-Woofer.

Think about, won't you?


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