Standard Time Sucks Rotten Kiwi: It's Time To Keep Daylight Saving Time
by Tom Magliozzi
Let's face it, Standard Time sucks rotten kiwi. Fall is a fabulous time of year. Aside from the occasional frosty night that reminds us we're about to head into eight months of weather from the Pleistocene, it's actually kind of nice outside. It's a chance to wear all that cute L.L. Bean flannel you got for Christmas last year and not feel like a pizza in a brick oven.
But do we get to enjoy it? Oh, noooo. And why not, you ask? Because by the time we're all out of work, it's so freaking dark that you're lucky if you can get to your car without bonking your skull on a telephone pole.
"STANDARD TIME IS PART OF AN INTERNATIONAL, MULTINATIONAL PARENTAL-CORPORATE CONSPIRACY!"
"Big deal, Tommy," you say, "Let's just dump Standard Time." Well, it's not that easy. Standard Time, you see, is part of an international, multinational parental-corporate conspiracy. Let me explain.
Parents and corporations are the two main forces in society that don't want us to have any fun at the end of the day. They want us to come home, do a little homework, have supper, watch prime-time sitcoms, forget about fomenting revolution, and hit the hay -- so we'll be nice and fresh, and ready to be exploited and/or indoctrinated all over again the next morning.
Well, we say, enough of this horse hockey!
This week, instead of falling back an hour, those of us here at Car Talk Plaza will be setting our clocks forward a minimum of three hours. That's right. We'll be going to work in the dark, and kicking back and watching the sunrise during our first mid-morning cappuccino break.
Now, here comes the good part. When quitting time rolls around, we'll be out enjoying the day. We'll have three hours of bright, refreshing sunshine left.
You, on the other hand, will still be working.
Unless you're with us.
Imagine it. This could be your life: It's November 28, a sunny day in downtown Topeka. It's 7:00 p.m., and the kids are on their third game of kickball out in the street. You've just finished rebuilding the carburetor in your '52 MG, and you still have plenty of time to walk the dog and cook up a feast on the gas grill in the backyard. This isn't some Lewis Carroll fairy tale. It could be your life.
So, are you with us? Huh? HUH?
"WHY SHOULD THE GOVERNMENT BE DICTATING HOW LIGHT IT SHOULD BE WHEN YOU GET UP IN THE MORNING? WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS, ANYWAY??"
If you like, we'll leave the exact number of hours you want to change your clock up to you. You decide what's right for you and your family. We don't care. Why should the government be dictating how light it should be when you get up in the morning? Whose idea was this, anyway? (Oh, that's right, we already answered that.)
Not ready for quite so radical a change? Fine. Just boycott Standard Time and keep Daylight Saving Time. When October 27 rolls around, forget about the changing of the clocks. Don't fall back an hour. The powers of oppression, who started this seasonal-affective-disorder-inducing nonsense to begin with, will be down on their knees and ready to talk turkey.
Study after study has shown that our country's reserves of daylight are perilously low. We MUST continue to save precious daylight. The "spring ahead, fall back" policy has proven itself to be complete bullfeathers. We ask you, is darkness the kind of legacy we want to leave our children?
Our country has suffered through decades -- if not centuries -- of so-called "standard" time. For six months of every year, millions of Americans have gone to work in the dark and come home in the dark. It's time for this senseless persecution to end.
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