Hi Guys:

I'm sure someone's sent this to you already, but just in case.... Love your show, when I don't sleep too late to hear it (WBEZ Chicago)!

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were lookingfor people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers.Here are some of the submissions...

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building usingindividual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday andemployees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winningquote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Washington.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we willencounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It shouldbe used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric BoatCompany)

4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are moreimportant interfere with it. (Advertising/marketing manager, United ParcelService)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No onewill believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on itfor months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know whenit's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining andManufacturing /3M Corp.)

6. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal thatonly needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged andshe couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of DellComputers)

7. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what Isay." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. "How about Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral wasscheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I wouldhave to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we couldchange her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is notgoing to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T LongLines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This isto inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subjectmentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to himconcerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to askfor it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)

12. Speaking the same language: As director of communications, I wasasked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials.In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogicalapproach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed thememo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director'soffice, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of thebuilding by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for"perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me hercopy of the memo, with her demand that I be firedand the word"pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, andonce he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of thedefinition to send back to her, he told me not to worry; he would take careof it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us thatno words that could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could beused in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance withcompany policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting wordstogether from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally circulated memofrom a large communications company: "[Company name] is endeavorilydetermined to promote constant attention on current procedures oftransacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if notsupersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)

[ As Read on Car Talk ]