More Allegedly True Statements

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
--Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
--Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
--Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic deficiencies: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime ofheavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his 1992 team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano in 1982 why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Tommy Lasorda, Dodgers manager, when asked in 1981 what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked in 1966 if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition to play football?"

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts, after the 1981 team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running on to the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans in 1991 that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints general manager, when asked after a 1986 loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."

Alan Kulwicki, stock-car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."

Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that mean's we're not going to any more bowl games.'"

LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: "They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets."

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said,'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."