"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
--Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh____________________________________________________________

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy likeNorman Einstein."
--Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996____________________________________________________________

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
--Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach____________________________________________________________

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
--Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach____________________________________________________________

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because ofacademic deficiencies: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor.The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff Ihaven't been through in school."____________________________________________________________

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter DonKing: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prisonFor three years, not Princeton."____________________________________________________________

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a colorphoto of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell myname, I can still find my clothes."____________________________________________________________

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit toGreece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs we went to."____________________________________________________________

Shaquille O'Neal on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level,except college and pro."____________________________________________________________

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime ofheavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in themorning regardless of what time it is."____________________________________________________________

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his 1992 team's 7-27record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As generalmanager, I just can't figure out where else to play."____________________________________________________________

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining toCoach Jim Valvano in 1982 why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister'sexpecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."____________________________________________________________

Tommy Lasorda, Dodgers manager, when asked in 1981 what terms Mexican-bornpitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcomingcontract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."____________________________________________________________

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked in 1966 if the abnormal numberof Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning:"One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about gettinga nose in condition to play football?"____________________________________________________________

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts, after the 1981 team'sco-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running ontothe field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send theinjured reserve players out for the toss next time."____________________________________________________________

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans in 1991 that afire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the realtragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."____________________________________________________________

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints general manager, when asked after a 1986 losswhat he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousyofficiating."____________________________________________________________

Alan Kulwicki, stock-car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed toSunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."____________________________________________________________

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not tovote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."____________________________________________________________

Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at ArizonaState and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after hetook the job with the Boilermakers: "He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that mean'swe're not going to any more bowl games.'"____________________________________________________________

LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: "Theycan't fire me because my family buys too many tickets."____________________________________________________________

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I toldhim, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said,'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"____________________________________________________________

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, JohnJenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."____________________________________________________________

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told aplayer who received four Fs and one D: "Son, looks to me like you'respending too much time on one subject."____________________________________________________________

[ As Read on Car Talk ]