Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive,
press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent,
please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities,
press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you areand what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional,
press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive,
it doesn't matter which number you press; no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic,
press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephonenumber, date of birth, Social Security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have posttraumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y a-n-dc-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep orbefore the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-termmemory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busyto talk to you.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons;
you'll just screw it up.

Alan Quintana

[ As Read on Car Talk ]