From the Martha Stewart Calendar

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December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upsidedown and use as sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message foranswering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashioncat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer Committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows 95.

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collage dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly fordecorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in minivan tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in casetires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Childproof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same heightwhen sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar toadd a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamonsticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged inlast-minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel lessinadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemadepotpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each timezone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

[ As Read on Car Talk ]