From: Ann Bancroft
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.

From: Henny Youngman
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

From: Cindy Garner
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.

From: Rita Rudner
My mother buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

From: Rodney Dangerfield
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Unattributed:
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "Ok, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.