Out and About


A taxi passenger leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up and over a curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you okay? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.”

- Mary Anne Smith
 



One day Tommy was heading home from work and he suddenly remembered that it was his daughter's birthday. He drove over to the Toy Shop and saw some dolls in the window.

"How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asked the salesperson, in a sing-song voice.

The salesperson answered, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Workout Barbie for $9.95, Shopping Barbie for $9.95, Beach Barbie for $9.95, Disco Barbie for $9.95, Ballerina Barbie for $9.95, Skater Barbie for $9.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

Astonished, Tommy asked: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and all the others only $9.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolled her eyes, sighed, and answered: "Sir... Divorced Barbie comes with all the extras: Ken's bikes, Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, and even one of Ken's friends!"

- Cat Winslow




An American man is riding a train in a European country. His seatmate knows some English, and they end up chatting. Theseatmate asks if the American has children. The American says no.

"Ah, so sad," says the European. "Your wife, she is impregnable?"

"Well, um, that's not exactly the word," says the American.

"Oh!" interrupts the European. "I mean, she is inconceivable?"

"Um, not quite --" the American begins, only to be interrupted again.

"Oh, no, that isn't right," says the European. "She is, what is it, she is unbearable?"

"Well, actually, that's pretty much sums it up," says the American.

- Paul Tomlinson




An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

- Rosemary Caruk




I went to the store the other day to buy a toaster -- and I got a bank!

- Jimmee Jayson




A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.

It's obvious that he has his hands full, what with the child screaming at the top of his lungs for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a calm, controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be much longer ... easy, boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William ... the little bastard's name is Charlie."

- Jimmee Canen





The two Fafoofnick brothers, not the brightest bulbs in the chandelier, are walking home from the supermarket carrying their week's groceries, when Max gets a load of bird poop on his head and his jacket.

"Sam, you got the toilet paper in your bag. Let me have a roll? fast."

Sam answers, "What are you crazy? That bird is probably a mile away by now!"

- Mike Hertz





A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand-new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you werewaiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

- Brian Purnell




Some years ago my cousin Vic, a butcher in a New York suburb, spent a week on a cruise ship sailing out of New York Harbor for the Caribbean. He had saved up for years to take his wife for their 25th anniversary, and he knew this was to be a trip of a lifetime.

After being out at sea for two days, he and his wife were on deck one night taking in the warm salt air and the full moon. That night, he had been leaning at the rail when he lost his eye glasses over board. Because he had brought another pair, it didn't dampen the trip. He never gave it another thought.

When he got back home to New York, he replaced the glasses. It certainly was a trip to remember, lost glasses not withstanding.

About a month later he was in his butcher shop when he cut into a large fish to fillet it for a customer. Then, he struck something hard...

It was his thumb.

- Bill Frohlich




An investment banker walks into a restaurant.

"How are things going?" asked the owner.

"Great," the banker replied, "I haven't lost a thing all week!"

"Really?"

"Yeah, because last week I lost everything."

Steve in Seattle




A mechanic was working late one night when a man walked into his shop. "Can you help me?" the man asked. "I think I am a moth."

The mechanic replied, "I am a mechanic. You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know," replied the man.

"Then why did you come here?"

"Your light was on."

Scott Landreth




Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 P.M. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the T.V. The 10:00 P.M. news was coming on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledgedid a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5:00 P.M. news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

Brian Purnell




An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Nancy in Rockwall, Texas




One day a father gets out of work and on his way home remembers that he hasn't yet bought his daughter a Christmas present. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:

Work-Out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers, "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and...
One of Ken's Friends."

Brian Purnell




A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. He drinks the beer and asks the bartender: "What do I owe you?"

The bartender answers: "For you, no charge."

Jack Correia




George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law.

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very,very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Gene McNulty




Three Professors from Our Fair City go down to Mexico one night, get arrested, and wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can rememberwhat they did the night before.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Harvard School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words, "I am from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go, too.

The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from MIT, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires!"

Chris Felo




A ham sandwich goes in a bar. The bartender looks at him, shakes his head and says,

"I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

Alan Epstein




A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings.

"Hi honey, are you at the club?"

"Yes, dear."

"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front ofGiovanni's and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window."

"How much is it, dear?"

"They're giving it away. Only $5,000. Can you believe it?"

"But you already have fur coats?"

"Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!"

"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"

"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, but I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold coloured. What do you think?"

"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"

"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"

"How much is it?"

"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for$85,000 fully loaded with all the options!"

"Okay, okay, go ahead and purchase it!"

"I love you, you're the best husband a wife could ask for. Ihope I'm not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown's place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It's on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months!!!"

"I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?"

"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's not listed very high, and it would be perfect for our type of lifestyle!!"

"How much is it listed at?"

"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!"

"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $415,000."

"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see youlater tonight to celebrate!!!"

"See you tonight dear."

The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks, "So, who's phone is this?"

Robert Maxwell




THE YETI

An English explorer decided to explore the mountains of Africa. Before his team went into the jungle, the guide told them about the Yeti.

"You must never go near the Yeti," he told them. "It is a very mean creature, but there is one thing worse then meeting a Yeti, and that is to touch it. For if you touch a Yeti, it will chase you to the ends of the earth and it will not stop until it catches you."

With that warning, the guide led them into the jungle. When it was too dark to go any farther, they made their camp, had dinner, and went to sleep. In the middle of the night our English explorer (we'll call him Throckmorton) heard something outside his tent. He peeked out of his sleeping bag and saw something horrible. It was the silhouette of the Yeti! And it was coming straight toward his tent! Throckmorton was frozen to the spot as the shape started to unzip the tent. He panicked and did something very stupid. He ran straight out the door of the tent, and in doing so CRASHED INTO THE YETI.

It screeched and followed Throckmorton as he ran down the mountain. Throckmorton jumped into a car and drove to the nearest airport, charged at the closest plane heading for England, and went home.

Two weeks after the adventure in Africa, Throckmorton was out for an early-morning walk when he saw the Yeti coming up the road! He took off in the other direction, grabbed a bicycle, and rode away as fast as he could go. He came to a car rental place and rented one, and took off again. After he had gone a hundred miles or so he stopped to look behind him. There was the Yeti, still following him!

Throckmorton drove as fast as he could until he came to an airport. He hopped on the first plane leaving. It happened to be going to Ireland. He got to Ireland, hopped on another bike, and rode until the handlebars fell off. He stopped to look behind him and saw... the Yeti. It was STILL following him!

Throckmorton broke out in a run. He ran until the sweat was pouring off him. He ran straight out onto the moor. He ran until he was so pooped he couldn't move. He looked to see if the Yeti was still following him. It was.

There was nowhere to go so Throckmorton just stood there. He made up his mind to give up. He turned and faced the Yeti bravely.

The Yeti stopped right in front of him and grinned.

It reached out its hairy arm and poked Throckmorton in the chest.

"TAG! YOU'RE IT!" it shouted, and ran off in the other direction.

Claire




Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were excited and talkative about their future plans as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston. After hearing them for a couple of minutes, the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"

"Yes, sir! Class of '99!" they answered proudly.

The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hands, saying, "Class of '58."

Beth Hamilton




Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.

The entrance opens, and two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says,

"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

Wes Weber




The Pope arrives at JFK and he's met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says, "Pope."

After getting all the Pope's luggage loaded in the limo—and His Holiness doesn't travel light—the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Hey, Mr. Pope," says the driver in accented English, "Why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive."

"That is very much against the rules!" protested the driver, wishing he'd never left Calcutta.

"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph.

"Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal. Then they heard the siren.

"Oh, my Gods, now I am surely losing my license," moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatch.

When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger."

"Governor."

"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

"I don't know," said the cop. "But he's got the Pope driving for him."

Polly Lasker