The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife and asked, "Is this your wife, sir?”
Shocked, I answered, "Yes it is."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus.”
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality and she's good with the kids."
- Brian Purnell
So one day, there is this lady who is driving a red convertible -- top down -- and she has four penguins in the back seat. She goes zooming right through a stop sign--speeding and all.
Well, there is a cop right there and he pulls her over, and says: "Lady, you just ran that stop sign and you're speeding... and... what are those penguins doing in the back seat?! I am going to write you warning tickets, but I want you to take those penguins to the zoo.”
He writes the tickets and sends her along with her warnings.
Next day, the same lady is barreling down the same road. Same red convertible, top down, same penguins--now wearing sunglasses, same stop sign--zoom-- right through it again! Well, the same cop is there and he pulls her over again.
"LADY,” he says, "you ran that same stop sign again--and you're speeding again and... I told you yesterday to take those penguins to the zoo."
"I did, Officer," she says, "and now we're going to the beach!"
When asked by a young patrol officer, "Do you know you were speeding?" The 83-year-old woman talked herself out of a ticket by stating, "Yes, but I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."
Pope John Paul III visited Denver for International Youth Week some years ago. But when it came time to go, he told his chauffeur that he wanted to drive the pope-mobile back to the airport. What could the chauffeur say but yes? It turns out the Pope has a lead foot and got pulled over for speeding.
The cop, realizing he had just stopped the Pope, didn't know what to do. So he called in to his commanding officer.
Cop: "We got a big one here."
Sergeant: "Who, the mayor?"
Cop: "Nope, bigger."
Sergeant: "The Governor?"
Sergeant: "The President?"
Cop: "Nope, even bigger!"
Sergeant, exasperated: "Well, who then?"
Cop: "I don't know, but he's got the Pope driving for him!"
In case of emergency this is good to know. I had a flat tire on the interstate, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.
To my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my life-like men, which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road.
And, of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here lady?!!!!!"
"My car has a flat tire,"I said calmly.
"Well, what the h---- are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my Emergency Flashers."
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a .45 revolver. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife," the man said. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Six shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
Because if they had four, they'd be chicken sedans!
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said—"Well yeah, if that's what they are—I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
A little old Irishman gets pulled over by a policeman, who says,
"Sir? Do you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
The old fella replied, "Oh, thank Christ. I thought I'd gone deaf!"
A middle-aged guy had just been dumped by his wife. So, he decides to go out and buy a shiny, new red BMW Z-3 convertible. He's driving along at 80 mph, when he sees a flashing light on a police car in the rear-view mirror.
"What the hell, he can't keep up with a BMW," he thinks to himself. So he floors it.
A few minutes later, he's overcome with guilt. "Hey! What am I doing," he thinks? And he slows down and pulls over.
The cop asks him for his license, and walks around the car while he examines both. When the cop gets back to the driver's door, he says, "It's Friday the thirteenth. My shift is just about over. I'm tired and I want to go home. If you can give me a good excuse, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a split second and says...
"My wife just ran away with a policeman. I thought you were trying to give her back."
A policeman stopped a guy for driving erratically. He peered intently into the driver's eyes and said, "Your eyes look bloodshot, have your been drinking?"
The guy peers into the policeman's eyes and says, "Your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"