I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Q: What has 50 legs and 5 teeth?
A: The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.
A man dies and finds himself in a small room furnished with a couch and TV. There's another guy sitting on the couch, watching the screen.
"So, is this heaven or hell?" he asks the guy on the couch.
"Well, there are no windows or doors, and no apparent way out," the man answers.
"So it's hell?"
"I don't know," says the other guy, without looking up. "They did give us this nice big TV."
"So maybe it's heaven."
"Maybe, but it has only one channel," the man counters.
"Oh, so maybe it's hell?"
"Well, the station it gets is pretty good - it's PBS."
"So maybe this is heaven after all?"
"Yeah, except for one thing," the other guy says sadly. "It's always pledge week."
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
A postal worker comes across an envelope addressed to God. So he opens it. The letter reads, "Dear God, Please send me $100.00. I am a widow who has gotten used to her loss but I have two widow friends who have recently lost their husbands and I would like to put on a nice Sunday dinner to cheer them up. Thank you."
The postal worker is touched and he shows the letter to the others worker and they, too, are touched. They all reach into their pockets -- some even give up their lunch money -- and come up with $96.00, which they send to the lady.
A while later, another envelope arrives at the post office addressed to God and again the postal worker opens it. It reads, "Dear God, Thank you so much for the money. I was able to buy a nice ham, vegetables, dessert, coffee, wine and even some after-dinner drinks. We enjoyed ourselves immensely -- laughing and taking away some of the sadness. But I do want to tell you that four dollars was missing. It must have been those thieves at the Post Office."
Remember that no good deed goes unpunished.
An elderly gentleman, very well dressed, in his mid-60's, with hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave lotion, presenting a well-cared-for image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge in a major city.
Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, early 60's, also well dressed and attractive, sitting alone.
The gentleman walks over, sits down beside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So, tell me, do I come here often?"
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered, "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
At a theater, the usher approaches a man who has stretched out over three seats and asks him to sit up.
The man simply looks at him and says, "Uhhhh."
The usher asks again, and again the man says back to him, "Uhhhh."
The usher warns the man that he'll have to get the manager and there would be a good chance he'd be asked to leave. The man doesn't seem to care and again replies, "Uhhh."
So, the usher brings the manager over, and after several attempts to get the man to comply, the manager decides to call the police. A cop shows up and says to the guy, "Look, they've been asking you nicely to sit up and make room for other people, why are you being so stubborn?"
The guy stares at the cop and says, "Uhhh." The cop says, "Okay, buddy that's it. I'm going to kick you out of here. Now, where are you from, anyway?"
The guy replies, "Balcony... "
A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
The doctor hears this, thinks for a moment, then says, "Sounds like you have Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, it's not unusual."
Two old friends, Sam and Bob, are baseball fanatics. They live and breathe baseball, they attend 60 games a year, the local bartender calls them to answer disputes regarding statistics, they have attended every World Series game since 1960. They are getting older and one day, Sam says to Bob. "If you die before I do, will you let me know, if they play baseball in Heaven. I'll do the same for you if I die before you do." Bob agrees.
Two days later Bob passes away in his sleep.
Sam comes home from the funeral and lays down for a nap, he's really tired. He drifts in and out of sleep. Suddenly, there's a heavenly voice saying "Sam! Sam!"
Sam is startled awake and asks, "Is that you, Bob?"
Bob answers, "Yes, Sam it's me."
Sam asks, "So, tell me Bob, do they play baseball in heaven?"
Bob replies "Sam, I've got good news and bad news, what do want to hear first."
"The good news first, Bob." Sam says.
Bob replies with "Okay, Sam, the good news is they play baseball in heaven, and the bad news is that you're starting the game tomorrow evening."