So I Was Driving My Car...
A blonde was trying to sell her old car but was having a lot of problems because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day she told her problem to a brunette that she worked with. The brunette told her: "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde: "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
A teenage boy tells his father, "Dad, there's trouble with the car, it has water in the carburetor." The father looks confused and says, "Water in the carburetor, that's ridiculous!" But the son insists. "I tell you, the car has water in the carburetor."
His father, starting to get a little nervous, says "You don't even know what a carburetor is.... but I will check it out. Where is the car?"
"In the pool," replies the son.Maura Hayes
I was on vacation in Florida on Christmas vacation. I was walking down the beach and I see one of my colleagues approaching me. He is a psychologist. "You had breakfast yet," I ask?
"Let's find a place."
"Good," he says. "My car is right over there."
I get in his car, a brand-new Lincoln, and right away I notice that it's a stick-shift.
I say, "You bought a new Lincoln with a stick shift? I didn't know that they made a Lincoln like that."
"They don't," he says. "I ordered it special."
"I'll bet that cost a fortune," I reply.
"Oh, ya. You got that right."
"Why would you buy a new Lincoln with a stick shift," I ask?
He says, "My wife can't drive a stick."
A college student drove his ratty, raggedy old car into the mechanic's shop, needing some repair advice for his jalopy.
The mechanic looked at it for a couple of minutes and said, "What you really need is the radiator cap solution."
"Oh," said the student, trying not to sound too confused, "Do you mean the radiator cap isn't holding enough pressure?"
"That's part of the problem," the mechanic said. "You need to lift the radiator cap and drive another car under it. Then you can replace the radiator cap, and it should solve your problem."
Q: What do you get if you cross a Chrysler and a Fiat?
A: a BIG car that doesn't start.
- RJ Goos
Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"
- Joe Dobrowolski
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus!
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the window.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck window.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag. "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running"
A young nun who worked for a local home healthcare agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If that car starts, I'll go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life!"
Crusty's young nephew, Cranky, applied for a position as mechanic at Click & Clack's garage. It just so happened that a young woman had walked in that day also looking for a job. There was really only one position to be filled, and since both applicants seemed to have the same qualifications, Ray asked them both to take a written test.
Upon completion of the test, both only missed one of the questions. Ray went to Cranky and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the young lady."
Cranky asked, "Why? We both got nine questions correct. Since my uncle Crusty works here, I should get the job!"
Ray said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."
Cranky then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Ray replied, "Simple, the young woman put down for question #4, 'I don't know.'
You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
Anne meets up with Dana while she is picking up her car from the mechanic.
Anne asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"
Dana replies, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was $12 worth of blinker fluid."
The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady came in and asked for a seven ten cap.
We all looked at each other and one of the service guys asked, "What's a seven ten cap?" She replied, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."
"What kind of car do you drive?" another guy asked. (Thinking that perhaps she drove an old Datsun Seven Ten.) The lady replied, "I drive a Buick." We asked her how big is the cap. She made a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
"What does it do?" asked one of the service guys. She replied, "I don't know, but it's always been there."
One of the guys gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she made a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she wrote 710.
As she was drawing, the guys behind the counter looked at it upside down and they fell behind the counter laughing their heads off.
(Directions: Draw a circle and write 710 in the center. Now look at it upside down.) Dope slap!
An elderly man was driving his Buick down the freeway when his cell phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Did you hear about the guy who went into an auto parts store and said to the clerk, "Can I get a new gas cap for a Yugo?"
The clerk thought for a second and said, "That seems like a fair trade."
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand-new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man (about 75 years old) on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny new car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The old man asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old guy pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, he says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror.
It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOSSSHHH! something whips by him, going much faster.
What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?! the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHHOOOOSSSHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not 10 seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out; unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh, my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers softly, "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your... side-view... mirror."
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and says, "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" ask the Englishmen.
"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over—I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can't come. He's busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."