Assorted Lame Jokes
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
The woman replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," she replied. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The man is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and treehouse.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please." "Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," He blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I built a little still. How would you like a 151 Rum Mai Tai?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing after all his time alone. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a golf course?!"
- Bill Funderburk
A Little Known Story about the Italians helping the Yanks during the War for Independence
During the Colonial period, the Italians popularized a poultry dish in Great Britain that spread to the Colonies. The colonials supporting independence found this dish of great value in identifying those sympathetic with the Crown. The Italians helped them to use this poultry dish to effectively flush out the opposition to the cause of independence.
We still enjoy it, even today, as we remember that noble beginning of our republic: Chicken Cacciatore.
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter.
Ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to let go, otherwise they would all fall.
They weren't able to choose that person until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
- Mary Anne Smith
After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired.
He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"
Why Italians Can't be Paramedics
Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly, Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "I think Sal is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence ? and then a shot is heard.
Vinny's voice comes back on the line,
"Okay... now what ?
I was fortunate enough to get to go to the "Big Game" at Texas Stadium. I decided to walk around and see the sights before heading up to the nose-bleed section where my seat was located. I walked by a man already seated and next to him there was an empty seat where he had stored his jacket and souvenirs.
His seats were at about the fifty-yard-line ten rows from the field. I asked him how such a great seat could be going unused. He said he and his wife had purchased these seats but she had died. I told him how sorry I was to hear of his loss but still had to ask one more question. "Sir," I asked, "Don't you have any friend or relative you could offered the seat to?"
He replied, "No, they are all at the funeral."
Tommy needs a day off from work, but has usedup his usual arsenal of excuses. So, hedecides to try something different.
He calls work, and says he won't be in as hehas a bad case of anal glaucoma.
There issilence on the other end as Doug Bermanasks him just what anal glaucoma is... to which Tommy replies, "I can't see my buttcoming into work today."
-Mary Ellen Manning
A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees that there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.
"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"
- Tom Hunt
A young nun joined an order which allowed her to say only two words every ten years.
After the first ten years, she said to the Mother Superior "Bed hard."
Ten years later, she said "Food stinks."
Ten years later, she said "I quit."
The Mother Superior said, "I'm not surprised, you'vedone nothing but complain since you got here."
In light of the consideration of human cloning, we must ask the hypothetical question:
If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would this be:
c. Merely making an obscene clone fall?
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.
It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight . . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
At Saint Mary's Church they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar. At a session last week, the priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insights into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"
The priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go to get her."
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate."
A Red Sox fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Yankees' fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis Church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.
"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!"
The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankees' fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. Not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankees' fan.""That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."
An Italian mechanic saw his brother (who also happened to be a mechanic) walking down the street, carrying a large wooden door.
Obviously curious at his brother's rather unusual accoutrement, he asked him, "Why are you carrying that door? "His brother answered, " I lost my keys and I was worried that someone would find them and be able to get into my house, so I took the door."
The first brother rolled his eyes, "You idiot! What if you lose the door, you'll never be able to get into your house!"
The door carrying brother shook his head in disbelief, "I'm not completely dumb, I left the window open!"
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with the expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. Then this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still had not paid for them. Now just because I'm a blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year... Namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllllooooo??? It's been a year!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He did not call back. Boy, I bet he felt dumb!!
Bubba and LeRoy were chatting about Bubba's new purchase. "What is that thang?" sezLeRoy.
"It's a thermos bottle," responds Bubba. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"What you got in there?"
"Chili and iced tea."
An old Italian Mafia "Don" is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated 38 revolver so you always remember me."
"But, Grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howz about you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find your wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then ... Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up'?"
Why did the principal fire the cross-eyed teacher?
Because he couldn't control his pupils.
Did you hear about the farmer whose wife had left him?
He found out in a John Deere letter.
After opening the first restaurant on the moon, Bob was disappointed to receive only 2 stars in the newspaper's restaurant review section.
"Great food, no atmosphere."
(It's *supposed* to be lame, remember?)
Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and it's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and it's all organized by the Italians.
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the theater, followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh; she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed. Everything had been incredible. "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
Two guys were working for the city. One would dig a hole—he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole—fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously, one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man watching from the sidewalk couldn't understand what they were doing.
He says to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replies, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
Hey, it's SUPPOSED to be lame, remember?
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and tells the loan officer that she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The loan officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls-Royce, which is parked in front of the bank. She has the title and everything checks out, so the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
As the blonde leaves with the money, the bank's president and officers enjoy a good laugh at someone using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee moves the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it.
Two weeks later the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
As he hands the keys back to the blonde, the loan officersays, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and the transaction has worked out very nicely. But we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked your records and found that you are a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
A couple of Tennessee hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, with his shirt open at the collar, and is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have a one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation, he ties these around his neck, and manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer suspiciously looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in. Just don't start anything."
Roger from Wisconsin