Animal Antics



One day a man walked into a bar. He told the bartender that he didn't have any money.

However, he would show the bartender something amazing in exchange for a drink. It was a slow day, so the bartender agreed.
 
The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a frog and a tiny saxophone. He gave the saxophone to the frog. The frog then proceeded to play an incredible jazz solo. Highly impressed, the bartender gave the man a drink.

The man then asked for another drink in exchange for something even more amazing. The bartender agreed.

So the man pulled a hamster out of his pocket and set it on the bar. The frog started playing the saxophone again. Then
the hamster started singing along. It was a terrific jazz duet. Even more impressed, the bartender gave the man a second drink.

Just then another bar patron rushed up to the man. He offered the man $1,000 for the singing hamster. The man considered it for a moment and then agreed to the deal. The patron paid the man and quickly left with the hamster. After the patron left, the bartender exclaimed, "I can't believe you let a singing hamster go for only $1,000!"

The man replied, "It's no loss to me. The frog is a ventriloquist."

-Nat Silber
 




A bird hunter appears in court for having shot a pelican. The judge, shaking his head says, "Son, what were you thinking? Surely you know that pelicans are a protected species!"

To which the man replies "Well, Your Honor sir, I've been out of work for months, about to lose my home, and my family was hungry.?

The judge ponders this a moment, then says, "Well, the law says you should be in jail, or at least given a steep fine. But under such circumstances, I 'm letting you off with just a warning. Don't EVER let me see you in my courtroom again.?

The offender thanks the judge profusely and begins to walk away, when the judge asks, ?What does pelican taste like?"

The man replies, "Well, sir, it's kind of like a cross between a Bald Eagle and a California Condor."

Mike Wells




Bad Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Gerri McGowan




A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Jeff Muetz




I had a dream the other night. I was in theold West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, aman riding a horse pulls up to the left sideof the stagecoach, and a rider-less horsepulls up on the right. The man leans down,pulls open the door, and jumps off his horseinto the stagecoach. Then he opens the dooron the other side and jumps onto the otherhorse. Just before he rode off, I yelledout, "What was all that about?" He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

Kirk Miller




A woman brought a very limp duck into aveterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet onthe table, the vet pulled out his stethoscopeand listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his headsadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck,Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," repliedthe vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "Imean you haven't done any testing on him oranything. He might just be in a coma orsomething."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minuteslater with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement,the dog stood on his hind legs, put his frontpaws on the examination table and sniffed theduck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyesand shook his head. The vet patted the dog onthe head and took it out of the room. A fewminutes later he returned with a cat. The catjumped on the table and also delicatelysniffed the bird from head to foot. The catsat back on its haunches, shook its head,meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'msorry, but as I said, this is mostdefinitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hita few keys and produced a bill, which hehanded to the woman. The duck's owner, stillin shock, took the bill. "150 dollars," she cried,"150 dollars just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had justtaken my word for it, the bill would havebeen $20, but with the Lab report and the CAT scan, it's now $150."

Scott Sumner-Moore




Thepastor of the local Baptist church had a parrot who was always using bad language. One day a group of visiting ministers came to his home for lunch and the parrot let loose with some exceptionally profane stuff.

The pastor was really embarrassed and, after he ushered out the last of the ministers, he grabbed the parrot, and said, "Look, you have embarrassed me for the last time. You can think about it and chill for awhile." Then he stuck the bird in the freezer.

A little while later he let the parrot out of the freezer. The parrot was very contrite and said, "I promise, I will never say those things again, but tell me -- what did the chicken do?"

Jean Stasi




The local university lab has decided to lay off all of the lab rats. You would think that this was due to animal rights protesters complaining about their treatment, but the university found that it was easer to use attorneys. No one complains -- and there are just some things a rat will not do.

Mike Minogue




Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan!

David Welsh




Two comedian ducks are sitting at a nightclub one night. One turns to the other and says "You quack me up."

Andrew Beaton




A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that."

Barbara Summers:

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.

Bad, eh? We sure thought so. Fortunately, Mike also sent us this one"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Unfortunately, it wasn't any better. They were quite lame weren't they?

Mike Walters




This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

Lane Cook




An insurance salesman wants to sell a farmer some insurance. He goes up to the door and rings the doorbell.

The farmer's wife answers, "Can I help you?"

"I want to sell your husband some insurance."

"He's in the back feeding the pigs."

So they walk around the house and, in the backyard, the farmer is holding a medium-sized pig in his arms. The pig is eating an apple off a tree.

The insurance salesman says, "Hi. I want to sell you some insurance, but first I have to ask you a question. Doesn't it take a long time to feed your pigs that way?"

The farmer looks at the salesman and says, "What's time to a pig?"

Barbra Galletti




A panda walks into a restaurant. He sits down and orders some food. The waiter brings the panda his meal. After he eats, when the waiter brings him the check, the panda takes out a gun and shoots him.

As the panda is leaving, the owner of the restaurant asks him, "Why did you shoot my waiter?" The panda replies, "I'm a panda. Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out.

The owner, now very confused, looks panda up in hisdictionary. "Panda: A marsupial that lives in the mountains of China, eats shoots and leaves."

David Elkins




"My dog Minton ate two shuttlecocks yesterday."

"Bad Minton."

Steve Parrish