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EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day 180
8:00 am—OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am—OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am—OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am—OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am—OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon—OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm—OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm—OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm—OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm—OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day 181
8:00 am—OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am—OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am—OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am—OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am—OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon—OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm—OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm—OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm—OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm—OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day 182
8:00 am—OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am—OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am—OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am—OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am—OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon—OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm—OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm—OOOOOOOH. BATH. BUMMER!
4:00 pm—OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm—OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm—OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 183
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.Theydine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. Theonlything that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mildsatisfaction Iget from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eatanother houseplant.

DAY 184
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet whiletheywere walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.In anattempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once againinducedmyself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 185
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt tomakethem aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into theirhearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat Iwas... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 186
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I waschosenfor the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamychemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid.Myonly consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 187
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed insolitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smellthefoul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly Ioverheardthat my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn whatthisis and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 188
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. Thedogis routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He isobviously ahalf-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, andspeakswith them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to hiscurrent placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.


Joel Etra

[ As Read on Car Talk ]