Gastrointestinal Puzzler

The Puzzler

RAY: We're back. You're listening to Car Talk with us, Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers, and we're here to discuss cars, car repair and--duh!--the new Puzzler.

TOM: And it's good to be back into the swing of it.

RAY: Isn't it? Isn't it?

TOM: For so many months, you said the Puzzler's on vacation. It was so depressing. Now...

RAY: The Puzzler was so happy, though, being on vacation.

TOM: It was. So were you.

RAY: Well, I'm torn this week, because I have a lot of potentially lousy Puzzlers I could use, and you may have noticed that I'm working up to the good ones.

TOM: I didn't actually notice a trend.

RAY: Not a trend yet, because it's hard to have a trend when you only have one.

TOM: Two points.

RAY: One Puzzler under your belt.

TOM: What is it?

RAY: The other night I had a...what is it? A gastrointestinal attack in the middle of the night.

TOM: Really?

RAY: Well, it may have had something to do with that double-anchovy, pepperoni pizza I had at 11:00.

TOM: Does happen.

RAY: Or the cheesecake I ate out of the freezer an hour later. But in the middle of the night, I wake up moaning and groaning, clutching my stomach, and I find myself at the medicine chest looking for some medicinal relief. And I pull out the bottle of the stuff, which I recognize by its shape and color. And, lo and behold, I can't read the infinitesimally small print on the bottle.

TOM: Yeah.

RAY: So, I go clutching my stomach. I make my way to the bedroom and find my glasses on the dresser, and I come back and I put them on, and even with my glasses...

TOM: You can't read it.

RAY: I still can't read it. Too, the print is just too small. And I'm in agony now. I'm...

TOM: You wanted to just swizzle it down. You're going to swizzle it down.

RAY: I'm moaning and groaning. And I don't want to take the wrong dose, because too little is as bad as too much.

TOM: Yeah.

RAY: No, it isn't.

TOM: No.

RAY: And to make matters even worse, as I'm bent over in pain, my glasses fall off my head and they break in half. I say, "Jeez, that's it. I'm going to just die right here."

TOM: On the bathroom floor.

RAY: On the bathroom floor. Unless I'm fortunate enough that my moaning wakes up another member of the household.

TOM: I hope.

RAY: I hope.

TOM: And all you could hear was three people yelling, "Shut up out there!"

RAY: That's about it.

TOM: That's about it, yeah.

RAY: And yet, a minute later...

TOM: Yeah.

RAY: I was tucked in bed, tucked under the covers, having taken the correct dosage. How did I do it?

TOM: Nobody woke up to help you.

RAY: Nobody. All you have is what you have. You have all the facts. Now, if you think you know the answer, write that answer on the back of a $20 bill and send it to Puzzler Tower...

Think you know? Drop Ray a note!

[ Car Talk Puzzler ]

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