Tom and Ray Ask,
11 Questions with Our Bratty Pal, Melissa

Remember Melissa? That snotty little brat from Seattle who wouldn't leave us alone? The kid who wrote us and told us that "even her dog hates Car Talk"? Well, we had a surprise call from her on Car Talk.

We figured she's still the same old brat. But she insisted she's changed for the better. So, we decided we had no choice but to assign our cyberlackeys to the case. We gave them a bunch of questions, hoping to find out if she's still the same old vituperative little pipsqueak we knew and loved, or a kinder, gentler Melissa.

We'll let you decide for yourself.

If you'll excuse us now, we have to go rant at our Associate Producer, Ken Rogers. It's about time he started doing a better job screening out the wackos like Melissa who keep tying up our phone lines.

Cordially,
Tom and Ray

1. The last time we spoke to you, you were a bratty little 13-year-old. Now you're 15. So, what's it like being a bratty little 15-year-old? And what do you do with yourself these days, anyway--when you're not harassing Tom and Ray?

First of all, I have to say that I think they exaggerated that bratty stuff, if I do say so myself. I'm not like that anymore. Really.

Our family still raises guide dogs. We get puppies at eight weeks old and raise them until they're about a year and a half old. Then they go back to guide school and get trained by professionals. We teach them all the basic obedience stuff, though. It's sad to see them go.

I also go to school and sing in the choir. I like to hang out with my friends. I like to shop!

I really have to say, though, I'm not bratty any more. I wish they would just lay off me for a while.

2. What about the guy scene -- do you have any boyfriends?

Tom and Ray would want to know about that, wouldn't they? Those guys should get a life. To answer their question, yes, I have had boyfriends, but not right now. And I wouldn't tell them about it if I did now, anyway.

3. Your first contact with Car Talk was a letter in which you said you were tired of Car Talk "polluting the airwaves with all those dumb jokes," and you included the famous P.P.S. that said "My dog hates your show, too." Do you remember what caused you to write that letter?

Yeah, I remember what started it all right. My dad always used to listen to the show, and I thought it was incredibly annoying. If I couldn't get my dad to stop listening to Car Talk, I figured the least I could do was to change the show. So, I was out to fix Car Talk and make it a better program. Obviously, it didn't work.

4. Do you still feel the same way about Car Talk now?

Yes. Even more so now.

5. Back in November 1994, Tom and Ray invited you to Boston to be on the show. Did that experience change your feelings about Car Talk? How about Tom and Ray?

No, it didn't change a thing. You know, I thought they actually looked even stranger in person than they did in their pictures. In person, I really liked them and thought they were kind of funny. But, it got really annoying on the radio.

6. What are your plans for the future? Is there much of a market for adult brats? Or are you planning to go to college and pursue a career in customer service?

Hey! Those guys are awful. I'm not an adult brat.

I'll probably do something related to music. I used to play the piano and the flute. I like music--it's really fun.

Now, come on! I would never do customer service. That's boring and stupid, and only Tom and Ray would think of that.

7. Are your parents involved in this vehement little campaign of yours to besmirch the "good name," such as it might be, of Car Talk? Or do they feel differently about the show?

(Melissa's mom answers)  We think Car Talk is a hoot. My husband, Roy, can rant and rave with the best of them, so we can really relate to Tommy when he's all bent out of shape about something. I don't think she's actually besmirched the "good name," as you call it, of Car Talk.

Actually, we were impressed that Melissa could take Car Talk on at its own low, substandard level of humor.

8. Melissa, do you have any plans to slander or otherwise hurl abuse on other radio or TV programs? Any new targets in your sights? Have you ever heard of Ray Suarez?

Nope. None of those shows can top Car Talk. It's just not worth my time. You're on your own with that Ray Suarez guy.

9. When will all this end? What will it take?

Well, money is always nice. Tom and Ray could contact me with a deal, and we can talk.

10. Is this a phase your daughter is going through, or is this really the way she is?

(Melissa's mom answers)  I think this is the way she is. Put it this way: I have the greatest confidence in Melissa's ability to see through to the heart of things.

11. Do you have any other kids? Are they equally interesting?

Yes, Melissa has two younger sisters, including a 12-year-old who's headed into that dangerous age when Melissa started harassing you. They all look alike, but their personalities are very different. They're much more gentle than Melissa. They wouldn't verbally slap someone upside the face, like Melissa did with you guys. So, we don't think you have anything more to worry about. But who knows...