THE BIRD (not at fault):
It is common knowledge that birds have been around for approximately
592 billion years, whereas real automobiles have existed for only 50
years or so. During the above-mentioned 592 billion years birds' flying
abilities have evolved based on a delicate balance between
weight and air pressure. This is an important fact to remember.
THE WHITE CAR (at fault):
The color white reflects light. White cars are especially offensive
in this regard. During the summer the sun's rays are reflected back
toward space (the greenhouse effect), eventually forming a cyclonelike cone
of rising air. As with any cyclonic activity, an extremely
violent and powerful central vortex is formed which sucks air (and
anything else) back down toward the generating source (in this case
the offending white car). This phenomenon is called a "white hole,"
not unlike the black hole of space.
WHITE CAR / BIRD POOP :
In simple terms what happens is the following:
The bird, flying merrily along, has the grave misfortune of encountering a dreaded "white hole" created by the sun-warmed white car below. He is immediately SUCKED into the vortex and begins an uncontrolled death spiral toward the ground. At this point it is not known whether the bird intentionally poops or not, but poop he does. Put it this way--if you were comfortably flying along one moment and found yourself plunging toward certain death the next, WHAT WOULD YOU DO??!!!!!
Having now pooped, the delicate balance of weight and air pressure mentioned above now comes into play. The bird having "unweighted," as it were, attains a large positive buoyancy sufficient to overcome the vortex and returns to a safe flying altitude. The poop, of course, continues on a direct course toward the source of the vortex---the car roof.
In fact, this is just another example of how nature overcomes the stupidity of humans. Were it not for this fortunate "unweighting" of the bird, owners of white cars would routinely find vast numbers of birds embedded in the hoods of their vehicles.
In June of 1994 a bill was put before our esteemed government to outlaw white surfaces in an attempt to eliminate the energy source of "white holes." The intent was to spray-paint all white surfaces with standard dark-gray automotive primer. The passage of this bill was almost a certainty until it reached...the White House. It was at this point that Bill vetoed the bill and it was tossed out like yesterday's dishwater.
As a result, the White House roof is encumbered with four to five feet of bird s..t (otherwise known as 'BS') each day. Of course, it must be routinely cleaned and so is scooped up, piped to the basement and then recycled in the floors above in the form of laws, papers, opinions, etc. The White House thus issues several tons of BS per day, and the cycle is complete.
I hope this clears up the issue.
Best regards,
Don Steiner
