Dear Tom and Ray,

Knowing what devoted exercise aficionados you are, I know you willappreciate the following. Keep up the good work...er...um...well...keep up thework anyway. And if you read this on the air, PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASEsay my name. It would be the highlight of my life (which tells you justhow pathetic my life is).

Yours truly,

Patti McGuire (yes, it's Patti with an "i")
Oakland, California

For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessonsat the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was onthe varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to goahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya,who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic-clothingmodel.

My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.

Day 1: Started the morning at 6:30 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when Iarrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's somethingof a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed methe machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. Sheseemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standingnext to her in that outfit of hers added about 10 points. Enjoyedwatching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did mysit-ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in thewhole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!

Day 2: Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanyahad me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Thenshe put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly onthe treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worthwhile. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on thecounter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that Ihave developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as Ididn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a littleimpatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other clubmembers. The treadmill hurt my chest, so I did the stair monster. Whywould anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsoleteby the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would makeme live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4: Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in full snarl. I can'thelp it if I was half an hour late; it took me that long just to tie myshoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word"dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until shesent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowingmachine. It sank!

Day 5: I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other humanbeing in the history of the world. If there were any part of my body notin extreme pain, I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a goodidea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you, Tanya: I don'thave triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me anybarbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage. YOU went tosadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into ascience teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have beensomeone softer, like a music teacher, or a social studies teacher?

Day 6: Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. Ilacked the strength to use the TV remote, so I watched 11 straighthours of the Weather Channel.

Day 7: Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time mywife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificatefor a root canal.

The "Exercise Diary" Copyright (C) 1997 W. Bruce Cameron. www.wbrucecameron.com

[ As Read on Car Talk ]