Everybody knows that chicks dig loud, bassy noises (I'm not talking about farts), and, fortunately, many young people (and some senile citizens) have the equipment. When a pack of wild, drunken teenage males drive up next to a pack of wild, drunken teenage females, it requires great luck for the males to attract to females. That's where the subwoofers come in. Like the mating call of some great tropical bird, lyrics of rape, incest, crack dealing and murder are sent not only through the air but through the streets, and even through the Earth into China. Not only are the gut-tearing lyrics seductive, but the repetitive bass and drum rhythms are also quite a successful aphrodisiac.

Not only will they work for generation Xers--even middle-aged men with receding hairlines can use this method. As long as you have the subwoofers and at least one earring, you're all set.

Disclaimer: This is not scientifically proven with any studies or polls. In fact, I have made this thing up completely as I wrote it. I do not have an ensemble of lawyers, so I won't be able to handle multiple lawsuits. Do not actually attempt this, or you will probably receive a delightful spray of mace in the face, or spend the night in your local county prison.

Janssen


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