Dear Tom and Ray:

I have a very vexing car question. I have an extremely antagonistic older brother (I'm 27, he's 31). I'm looking for the most devious possible practical jokes to play on him. He's very bright and mechanically inclined, so I thought I'd go right to you two resident geniuses for assistance. His vehicle is a '97 Chevy Monte Carlo six cylinder. Any nondestructive, but extremely demonic ideas would be MOST welcome. I've already thought of just alligator-clipping his horn to his turn signals, but I'm looking for some much more villainous ideas. -- Randy

Tom: Gee, Randy, what a great question! I trust he's too sophisticated to fall for the old "potato in the tailpipe" trick. But you might as well start with that one just to warm him up.

Ray: Next, you can close down the spark plug gap from the recommended 45- thousandths of an inch or so to almost nothing!

Tom: Yeah. Just get the plugs out and crunch those electrodes down. That'll allow the car to start and run, but not accelerate. So as he steps on the gas, the swirling currents in the cylinders will blow that wimpy spark right out. That should keep him busy for at least a little while, since he won't suspect the spark plugs. He'll probably be sawing off pieces of the exhaust system looking for another potato!

Ray: Another idea is to try putting some kid's bubble solution down into the defroster vents. Then, when he turns on the ventilation system, he'll think he's on the Lawrence Welk show.

Tom: If your brother has a cellular phone in his car, you can pull one of my favorite gags of all time. This is a little more destructive, but lots of fun. You simply take some clear epoxy, and put a drop in each of the holes in the ear piece. When the epoxy dries, he won't see anything or hear anyone, but everyone will be able to hear him.

Ray: And you'll be amazed at the number of obscenities that will come out of his mouth after he gets two or three "annoying" calls like that.

Tom: It's also come to our attention that Kiwi now makes a wonderful new line of car-care products. But it's their traditional products you want for this gag. You take some black Kiwi shoe polish, and put it all over your brother's black steering wheel. That should provide some good laughs -- especially once he wipes his face or his nose while driving.

Ray: Then there are always the nonmechanical approaches to annoying one's brother. I drove my young family to Montreal one holiday weekend some years ago. I was in the hotel on Sunday morning when the phone rang. "Ello? Eez dees Meester Magliozzi?" a voice said in a French accent. "Yes," I answered. "Thees ees Franz, at zee concierge desk. Deed you used to own a late-model Ford LTD?" "Used to own?" I said, suddenly alarmed. "Yes," said Franz. "I'm afraid der has been a terrible fire. Zee entire garage, she has been totally demolished. Burned to a crisp! Mon Dieu!" As I was trying to figure out how I was going to get my wife and young kids home without a car and no money, Franz started to laugh, and I realized that it was, in fact, my extremely antagonistic older brother.

Tom: That was great, wasn't it?

Ray: Well, if any of our readers have other great ideas, send them over, because I still owe my brother for that one. You can send them to me in care of this newspaper, or e-mail them to me by visiting our Web site, the Car Talk section of cars.com.

Stop the madness! You can stop driving like a knucklehead, and you'll help your car in the process. Learn how your driving habits can harm your car in Tom and Ray's pamphlet "Ten Ways You May Be Ruining Your Car Without Even Knowing It!" To order, send (check or money order) to Ruin, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475. You can also order online.

© 1998 by Tom and Ray Magliozzi and Doug Berman Distributed by King Features Syndicate, Inc.

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